The latest subaltern pulled himself together and rang the bell. "When a man calls here for a sword," he told the servant, "give him this"--pointing dramatically at Yussuf. "And Jenkins!" "Yes, Sir." "Tell him that I have just sailed for ... er--for the Front." * * * * * LE DERNIER CRI. BEING THE SOLILOQUY OF THE OLDEST PARROT. _Hallo! Hallo! Hallo! Polly-olly-wolly! Scratch a poll!_ It isn't that I shout the loudest, though I fancy I _could_ keep my end up in the monkey-house if it came to that. Many a parrot wastes all his energy in wind. It's brains, not lungs, that make a full crop. Extend your vocabulary. Another thing--don't make yourself too cheap. The parrot that always gives his show free lives the whole of his life on official rations--and nothing else. _Half-a-pint o' mild-an'-bitter! Pom! Pom!_ I'm the oldest inhabitant, and I've the biggest waist measurement for my height in Regent's Park. That's my reward. I'll admit I've a bad memory; most parrots have, except the one that used to sing "Rule Britannia" and knew the name of every keeper in the Zoo--and _he_ went into hospital with something-on-the-brain. But _I_'ve moved with the times. There aren't many catch-phrases I haven't caught. "Walker," "Who's Griffiths?" and drawing corks in the old "Champagne Charlie" days; and "You're another," "Get your hair cut," "Does your mother know you're out?" "My word, if I catch you bending!" "After you with the cruet." But I've a bad memory. _Have a banana? I don't think!..._ I'm never quite sure of myself, and so just have to say what comes uppermost. _Shun! Stanterteeze! Form-forz, you two! Half-a-pint o'...._ I've found it doesn't do to repeat _everything_ the sergeant says. We had a Naval parrot once.... Why, take for instance that young man with his greasy feathers brushed back like a parrakeet's. He looked good for a few grapes any day, but when, just to encourage him, I chortled, "KITCHENER wants yer!" he frowned and walked away. I did good business later, though. Pulled up a bunch of Khaki people by just shouting "'Alt!" I admired their taste in oranges. _Down with the KAISER!_ By the way, I've shouted "Down with" almost everybody in my time. _Johnny, get your gun; Goobye, Tipperlairlee._