"I wasn't there," said Mrs. Greenwood; "I went to my mother's. You see, Cook conscientiously followed Oswald's instructions. He had sardines, Worcester sauce, macaroni, and tinned pork and beans. I can't make out quite which of the two was the first to give notice afterwards. Perhaps it was what you call a dead heat. Only, unless Oswald shouted, 'Take a month's notice,' when he heard the cook's step in the hall, I am inclined to think that Cook got there first." Now in the train I recommend tinned pork and beans with Worcester sauce as a cheap and nourishing food in war-time. Greenwood says nothing but glares at me. For once in his life he cannot rise to the occasion. * * * * * [Illustration: "I PITY THE PORE CHAPS THAT 'AVEN'T GOT OUT 'ERE. LONDON STREETS, THIS TIME O' YEAR, WITH THE DRIZZLE AND SLUSH MUST BE AWFUL."] * * * * * Rural Intelligence. "Wanted, an all-round Man for sheep and cows who can build and thatch." _The Rugby Advertiser._ * * * * * Men we do not play billiards with.--I. M. TAKE JONESCU. * * * * * UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. No. XIV. (_From the Grand Duke NICHOLAS, Commander-in-Chief of the Russian Armies._) SIR,--It is pleasant in the midst of this welter of war to remember the days when your nation and mine were at peace, and when it was possible for each of us to inspect the troops of the other without running the risk of having our heads blown off by gigantic shells fired at the distance of several miles. What splendid reviews were those you used to hold on the _Tempelhofer Feld!_ What a feeling of almost irresistible power was inspired by those solid regiments manoeuvring and marching past under the eyes of their supreme War-lord! I think the intoxication of that sight was too great for you. You were not one of those calm ones who can be secure through the mere possession of strength. You had it, but at last came a point when you felt that it was all useless to you unless you employed it. So you urged on Austria in her unhappy policy of quasi-Bismarckian adventure; you cast to the winds every prompting of prudence and humanity; you imagined that other nations, because they were slow to take offence, could be bullied and hectored with impunity; you flung your defiance east and west, and in a moment of passion made war against all those who had striven for peace, but were not prepared to cling to it at the price of dishonour.