Then followed a frantic postscript. "I know _now_! They've dressed poor Tony up in a little khaki uniform that doesn't even fit him! And, what's worse, they've put up a perfectly terrible triumphal arch over the front gate, with 'Hail to our Hero' on it in immense letters. They all seem so pleased with themselves--and anyway there's no time to alter anything now. But I don't know what Jack will say." I don't either, but I could give a pretty good guess. I shall see him and Celia to-morrow. But I shall be rather surprised if I see Jillings. F. A. * * * * * [Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_quite carried away_). "How nice it is to have the ticket proffered, as it were, instead of thrust upon one!"] * * * * * THE WELL-DISPOSED ONES. (_With acknowledgments to the back page of "The Referee."_) Bertram Brazenthwaite, Basso-Profondo (varicose veins and flat feet), respectfully informs his extensive _clientele_ that he has a few vacant dates at the end of 1917. Comings-of-Age, Jumble Sales and Fabian Society Soirees a specialite. Sir Sawyer Hackett, M. D., writes: "The physical defects which prevent Mr. Brazenthwaite from joining the colours have left his vocal gifts and general gaiety unimpaired." * * * * * Do you want your Christening to be a _succes fou_? Then send for Hubert the Homunculus, London's Premier Baby-Entertainer (astigmatism, and conscientious objections). "Hubert the Homunculus would make a kitten laugh."--Hilary Joye, in _The Encore_. High-art pamphlet from "The Lebanons," New North Road, N. * * * * * Jolly Jenkin, Patriotic Prestidigitator (Group 98). Nominal terms to the Army, Navy and Civic Guard. Address till end of week, The Parthenon, Puddlecombe. Next, Reigate Rotunda. _The Epoch_ says: "Jolly Jenkin has the Evil Eye. In the Middle Ages he would have been burnt.". * * * * * "Men who are physically fit can be released from clerical duties and replaced by hen only fit for sedentary occupations."--_Daily Paper._ Broody, in fact. * * * * * HOW I DINED WITH THE PRESIDENT. The Truth about Wilson. [SPECIAL TO _PUNCH_.] On Saturday, January 22nd, I arrived in Washington from Seattle. The Seattle part is another story. What I have to tell to-day, here, now, and once for all, is what I saw of the President at close quarters outside and inside the White House and what happened at the historic dinner-party, at which I was the only representative of a belligerent country present.