When Peace lured the Powers to her House at the Hague With promises specious and welcome though vague Of a time when the terrors of war should lie hid And the leopard fall headlong in love with the kid, She drew up a set of Utopian rules For the guidance of all the best bellicose schools. Among the more notable schemes that she planned She fashioned them bounds to their methods on land, Taught the whole of them, too, how humane they could be If a scrap should occur, as it might, on the sea-- In a word, pruned the pinions of war everywhere Save the one place that war could fly into--the air. But the Hun, he forswore what he vowed at her shrine, And behaved like a fiend on the soil and the brine; Then he turned to his Zepps, and remarked, "I can fly, And she never laid down any law for the sky; Here's a chance for some real dirty work to be done;" And he did it by simply out-Hunning the Hun. * * * * * How to Save Your Teeth. From the Soldiers and Sailors Dental Aid Fund (43, Leicester Square), which has done exceptional service during the War, comes the story of an old lady who applied for a set of teeth for her soldier grandson. When asked if he would know how to take care of them, she replied that she would give him the benefit of her own experience, having always made it a rule to remove her artificial teeth at meal times. * * * * * Two cuttings from one issue of _The Egyptian Mail_:-- "TREMENDOUS INCREASE IN RECRUITING. ANOTHER 1,000,000,000 MEN WANTED." "WANTED proof-reader for the Egyptian Mail." It certainly does want one; but for the sake of the gaiety of nations we trust it won't get him. * * * * * "With regard to the expeditionary force, the unexampled heroism and determination of our troops enabled them to establish a foothold on the tip of the peninsula, but photographs confirm the reports of eye-witnesses that they were literally holding on by their eyelids to the positions they had occupied."--_Sunday Times._ And the subsequent abandonment was performed like winking. * * * * * From a draper's notice:-- "On Friday and Saturday the shops will be open until the usual hours, although lights will not be visible outside. Customers are requested to open the doors to obtain admittance." _Rugby Advertiser._ And not to climb through the windows, or come down the chimney, please. * * * * * TOUJOURS LA POLITESSE. [Illustration: _British Officer_ (_in his best French_). "Etes-vous un fumier, Monsieur?" _French ditto_ (_with only momentary hesitation_). "Mais oui, Monsieur."] * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)