"After a awkward pause, 'The birds have flown,' says our Sub., sorrowful like, as if he'd asked some friends to dinner and the cat had eat the meat. "'I think, Sir,' says Sergeant, 'that they've abandoned this trench as being untenable, and probably left a few mines behind for us.' I didn't like that. I thought our trench was a much nicer trench in every way, and I felt it was time to think of going back, when suddenly we hears a norrible yell come up from our trench and sounds of blokes jumping about. Yes, Sir, the Germans had made an attack on our trench at the same time, only they had gone round by the other flank, where there was some trees to help them. "So there they was in our trench, and we in theirs, and dawn just beginning to break. There was only one thing to do. We went back, hoping they would wait for us; but they hopped it quick, same way as they come, and so we finished up just as we was when we started, except for mud. Our Sub. was wild with rage, and he hustled about all the morning looking for defaulters, his face as black as the Kayser's soul; and he even went so far as to curse a Machine Gun Section, which shows you better than words what he felt like. D Company, when they come to relieve us, wouldn't believe a word of it, not till I told them. They had to then, because they knew what my name was. James, Sir, and Truthful as a sort of appendix." "And there were others, of course, to corroborate your story?" "To what, Sir?" "To swear to the truth of it?" "Oh yes. They swore to it all right. Again and again. But that was nothing to what happened in the same trench when we come back from billets. It was like this here. Our Sub.... What's that you say, Bill?" He broke off. "Time for visitors to leave?" The Orderly explained that it was so, and, after a cordial leave-taking on the part of the visitor, saw him out and returned. "Do you know who that was, Jim?" he asked. "Soon as he started pumping me," replied James, "I offered myself a hundred quid to a bob on his being a noospaper man, but there was no taker at the price, bobs being scarce and me having a dead cert. Suppose I shall be in the local paper on Saturday, Bill?" "Yes. Thrilling Tales from the Trenches, number forty-three." "Pity he had to go so soon," sighed James. "I was only just beginning to get into my stride." * * * * * [Illustration: _Cheerful One_ (_to newcomer, on being asked what the trenches are like_). "If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer get shelled; and if yer stands still yer gets court-martialled for frost-bite."] * * * * * From the current Directory of the London Telephone Service:-- "FOREIGN SERVICES (FRANCE, BELGIUM AND SWITZERLAND).