E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. See 22805-h.htm or 22805-h.zip: (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/8/0/22805/22805-h/22805-h.htm) or (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/8/0/22805/22805-h.zip) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOL. 150 MARCH 22, 1916 * * * * * [Illustration: "How is it you're not at the Front, young man?" "'Cause these ain't no milk at that end, mum."] * * * * * CHARIVARIA. Portugal is now officially at war with Germany, and the dogs of frightfulness are already toasting "_der Tagus_." *** At first the report that ENVER PASHA had gone to pay a visit to the tomb of the PROPHET at Medina caused a feeling of profound depression in Constantinople; but it is now recognised that there was no other course open to him, as MAHOMET was not in a position to visit the Pasha. *** SVEN HEDIN is reported to be at Constantinople, on his way to the Turkish Front. It is supposed that he will undertake the writing of the official despatches, a duty to which the innate modesty of the Osmanli prevents him from doing full justice. *** A salmon containing a label marked "U 100" was recently caught in the Avon. No trace of the crew has been found. *** It has been discovered in Germany that General HINDENBERG is descended from CHARLEMAGNE, and an attempt by certain admirers of the Prussian General to visit the scenes of his ancestor's exploits has only been abandoned as the result of an unaccountable opposition on the part of the French. *** "Bigamy," declares Mr. Justice Low, "is as low a form of crime as drunkenness." On the other hand there is this to be said for it, that it is seldom found, like drunkenness, to develop into a habit. *** A large number of German barbers, it is said, have become naturalized since the commencement of the War, and are now engaged in capturing the trade from the British barbers, many of whom have been taken for military service. Not for nothing, it seems, did the KAISER in one of his famous speeches, "The razor must be in our fist." *** Mr. TENNANT told the House of Commons last week that the War Office had 3,000,000 goat skins. As the statement has given rise to a certain uneasiness it should be explained that all the goats have been safely extracted. *** Notwithstanding reports to the contrary, says an official German telegram, the new submarine warfare is in full swing. It should only be a matter of time before those responsible for it find themselves in a similar situation. ***