_Amrita Bazar Patrika._ It's a wet life anyhow, and submarines were made to be depressed. * * * * * ARMLETS AND THE MAN. [Illustration: Mr Punch (_to attested married man_). "SO YOUR COUNTRY CALLS ON YOU SOONER THAN YOU THOUGHT. I CONGRATULATE YOU."] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. _Tuesday, March 14th._--Ministers as they passed through Palace Yard on their way to the House shuddered as they observed a long, black, wicked-looking motor-car, shaped like a torpedo. In this machine Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING, the new Air-Member for East Herts, had done most of his electioneering. Now he had arrived to take his seat and, rumour said, to make his maiden speech. Would the Front Bench survive it? If the new Member could have jumped straight from the steering-wheel into the Chamber, and with his eloquence still at white-heat have got his fulminating message off his chest, strange things might have happened. But fortunately or unfortunately the procedure of the House discourages these dramatic effects. For nearly an hour he had to wait and listen to Ministerial replies to questions which he must have found painfully trivial. Even when the weary catechism was at last over there was a further delay. With great lack of consideration for the dignity of East Herts the PRIME MINISTER had been so careless as to catch a bad cold, and was not in his place. On his behalf, therefore, Sir EDWARD GREY made a statement regarding the entry of Portugal into the War. The gist of it was that the most ancient of our Allies has acquired a good-sized Fleet at no expense to herself, and that Germany is confronted by a new enemy in Africa. At last the new Member was called upon to take his seat. Belonging to no party he could not, of course, enjoy the usual official escort to the Table. But, like another young man in a hurry who in somewhat similar circumstances preferred scorpions to whips, Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING seemed quite satisfied with the ministrations of Mr. RONALD MCNEILL and Sir HENRY DALZIEL. Dispensing with the usual period of rest and refreshment, he assumed his seat immediately after shaking hands with the SPEAKER. Who knew but that Mr. LOWTHER, recognising the anxiety of Members to hear the latest War news from East Herts, might call him at once? [Illustration: THE HUSTLER FROM EAST HERTS. Mr. Pemberton-Billing introduces himself to Mr. Tennant and Mr. Balfour.]