I had a passionate wish to snare (Kilimanjaro!) Your local beetle in his lair, Kilimanjaro! O'er precipices stiff with ice (Perils for me are full of spice) To cull your starry edelweiss, Kilimanjaro! Alas! the lovely vision fades, Kilimanjaro! Never amid your musky glades, Kilimanjaro-- Never shall I (_Gott strafe_ SMUTS!) Surprise your monkeys gathering nuts Or chase your wombats' flying scuts, Kilimanjaro! And when, as I suppose it must, Kilimanjaro! My spirit sheds its mortal crust, Kilimanjaro! They'll find beneath my mailed vest Your name indelibly impressed (Along with Calais) on my chest, Kilimanjaro! O.S. * * * * * "With the use of the various kinds of periscopes we could see quite clearly every movement on the German side, and even hear them talking."--_Daily Chronicle._ Try our new periscope, with telephone-attachment. * * * * * From a sale catalogue:-- "Remains of Summer Waistcoats, from 3/11." Nothing doing. Our motto is _Vestigia nulla retrorsum_. * * * * * UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. No. XXXVI. (_From Herr WOLFGANG OFFENMAUL, an actor_). Most Gracious Majesty,--How strangely and uncomfortably the Fates sport with us! It is but two years ago, I remember, that it came into my head to look forward to the far-off day when I should shake off the stage and all its agitations, its triumphs, its disappointments and even its jealousies and its quarrels, and should be able to live my own life in the pleasant and happy world of reality. But I put the thought by, for much still remained to me to be endured and achieved in my profession, and I thought that some day, if matters turned out favourably, I might have the supreme glory of impersonating _Hamlet_ or _Macbeth_ under the very eye of your Imperial Majesty and of noting that you were not displeased with the performance of one of the most devoted of your subjects. This hope, springing up in my breast, gave me new strength and a fresh joy in the often dull round of my daily task, for in matters of the stage your Majesty, being, as we often say among ourselves, the greatest actor of us all and having from the earliest years imbibed the love of the footlights and the limelight, is an incomparable judge of the true histrionic art, and a word of praise from you is worth columns and columns in the newspapers. It is to us as when a cobbler's boots are praised by a rival cobbler.