Who so alert to solve the frequent riddle, To judge if Jones should have his train-fare free, Whether the band requires another fiddle, And which is senior, Robinson or me? Who shall indite such circulars as his To Officers Commanding Companies About their musketry, or why it is So many men take sugar in their tea? And when at times he shuns the sacred table And like some eagle swoops upon parade, Men mark his coming and there bursts a babel As with new zeal the subalterns upbraid, Lecture and illustrate, and on the right Form sullen squads, and hope they're being bright-- Save those white-livered ones who at the sight Hide their commands in some convenient glade. For he is terrible; and few folk relish The words of doom which shake his diaphragm; Yet is the heart of him not wholly hellish, But in his playing-hours he's like a lamb; And who'd have said that one so skilled to strafe And, when I err, too truculent by half, Could own so rich, so rollicking a laugh, Would see so well how humorous I am? Yet if with leave unasked I quit the barrack, Ever behind I dread that he will call, Speed up the street in some avenging Darracq Or on the Underground retrieve his thrall; Nor in my home can quite escape the spell But freeze with horror at the front-door bell, For fear the parlour-maid may speak my knell, May knock and say that _he_ is in the hall. And, sleeping, still I have to brook his blusters; A monstrous Adjutant is always nigh At dream-reviews and endless dreamy musters, Laden with lists and schemes and syllabi; And, though he find no failing anywhere, But all are present and correct and fair, _I_ never fail to make the fellow swear, _I_ always seem to catch his horrid eye. * * * * * TO THE GLORY OF FRANCE. [Illustration: VERDUN, FEBRUARY-MARCH, 1916.] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. [Illustration: FUNK-HOLES FOR MINISTERS. Designed for protection against raids by our air-experts.] _Tuesday, March 21st._--Returning from Westminster this afternoon I stumbled in Whitehall upon a Member whom I had not seen in his place this Session. "Going down to the House?" I asked. "What, is it sitting?" he replied; and then it appeared that he was just home on short leave after working hard "somewhere on the Continent," and had no present interest in political controversy. As I reflected on a speech I had just listened to, it occurred to me that the attitude of some of the stay-at-home Members towards the War is much the same as that of my hon. friend towards the House. "What, is it still going on?"