_Heroine._ Gee! That's a great idea. If only Peter Pan's goat---- [_The_ Hero, _inspired, crawls away unnoticed._] _Villain_ (_preparing to renew the struggle_). Lassie, I'm quite sweered o' you. There's an awesome look in your eye. And can ye no be more ladylike in your fechting? Remember whose heroine you are. [_He again strives to bear her off. The_ Hero, _having broken off a couple of branches and affixed them to his head--a little trick he learned from the Admirable Crichton--now returns disguised as a goat. He rushes at Villain, who flees and scales the park railings. But his overcoat collar catches in the spikes, and he hangs suspended and helpless. In that position he slowly starves, and dies inconspicuously as the_ Hero _and_ Heroine _finish the play._] _Hero_ (_extending his arms_). Say, is it a deal? I mean, will ye ha'e us, lassie? _Heroine_ (_with little wells of gladness in her eyes_). It's a cinch. Guess you're Mr. Smart from Smartville. Ay, I'm thinkin' I'll tak' you. But you men are fickle callants--that's what every woman knows. Come awa' and let's find a little meenister at once. _Hero._ Oh, joy! oh, rapture! oh, rosy rapture! [_They embrace and exeunt_.] _The Audience_. Hoots! Curtain. * * * * * JOURNALISTIC ANTICIPATION. "THE COMING GREAT SEA BATTLE. EXCLUSIVE PICTURES." _"Sunday Herald" Poster._ * * * * * THE KAISER AND THE DECLINING MARK. A now version has recently been discovered of the old Pickwickian inscription:-- + B I L S T U M P S H I S. M. A R K It runs as follows:-- H I S M A R K S T U M P S B I L * * * * * [Illustration: _The Vicar._ "These Salonikans, Mrs. Stubbs, are of course the Thessalonians to whom St. Paul wrote his celebrated letters." _Mrs. Stubbs._ "Well, I 'ope 'e'd better luck with 'is than I 'ave. I sent my boy out there three letters and two parcels, and I ain't got no answer to 'em yet."] * * * * * AT THE FRONT. The subtlety of the Military mind beats and will beat me to the end. Yesterday we lived in a row of earthen dwellings in a depression in the ground, which anyone might be excused for referring to, if not as trenches, at least as dugouts. These alone of all the marvels of military engineering I have observed during the War admitted of being shelled with equal exactitude from due in front and due in rear; and water seemed to have been laid on throughout. Taking all these things into consideration some Authority labelled them, once for all, "Billets."