[Illustration: _Kaiser (reading English news of wood-pulp restrictions)._ "HIMMEL! THEY'LL THINK MORE THAN EVER OF THEIR PRECIOUS 'SCRAPS OF PAPER'!"] * * * * * Kipling Revised. "Men of all castes had rallied to the Flag, and truly we had witnessed the truth of what the poet told us. 'The East is West and the West is East.'" _Surrey Mirror._ * * * * * "Alfred Billinger and Albert Robson, miners ... were fined 20s. each for trespassing in search of fame." _Provincial Paper._ Well, now they've got it. * * * * * "In the Metropolitan Police District the employment of special constables has resulted in a saving of five-eighths of a penny."--_Yorkshire Evening Post._ Very disappointing! Not even a whole copper. * * * * * From the report of a Dairyman's Association:-- "It further aims at insuring that the milk-supply for the city and district shall, like Caesar's wife, be beyond suspicion, and it therefore enjoins on its members the necessity for taking every possible care that the sanitary conditions prevailing at the farms, in the dairies and during the transit of the milk to the public shall leave nothing to be desired. In short, its motto is, in these respects, '_Nilus secundus_'."--_Hampshire Chronicle._ If they must use water in their milk we are glad to think that the Nile is only their second choice. * * * * * "The Sunday schools must try to 'wangle'--that was, a project their in-to 'wangle'--that was, to project their in-enlarged task, and attempt to do what seemed impossible."--_Provincial Paper._ We would not go so far as to say impossible, but they certainly seem to have difficulties ahead. * * * * * "Good fish, fruit, and rabbit business for sale. No opposition fish or rabbits."--_Bolton Journal._ It looks rather as if the fruit might disagree with you. * * * * * Under the heading, "Musical Instruments, etc.":-- "AMERICAN mammoth bronze turkey cockerels, strong, healthy, grand stock birds; 20s. each."--_Glasgow Herald._ You should hear these musical instruments throw off "Yankee-doodle." * * * * * [Illustration: _Servant._ "I CAN'T GET THIS 'ERE TAIL LIGHT TO BURN, SIR." _Country Doctor._ "OH, NEVER MIND. WE'RE ONLY GOING HOME, AND I'VE GOT THE CONSTABLE SAFE IN BED WITH LUMBAGO."] * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)