_On Account of Spurious Infestment._ s. d. To one Mouse Institute and Aquarium 5 6 " Cheese 0 6 " Labour at 2/6 per hour 0 7-1/2 --------- Total 6 7-1/2 The man replied coldly that the householder was responsible for all expenditure incurred in precautionary measures and that the Council was in no way liable for the costs resulting from an offensive that failed to materialize. He ended with the rather rude postscript, "What kind of cheese did you use?" This was a bit sickening. However, by threatening to lay information against him, I have at last succeeded in inducing the occupier of 140B to take over the abattoir at a very satisfactory valuation. It was between that and buying his mouse. EVOE. * * * * * TWO NIGHTMARES. [_Dreamed after reading in a daily paper that "any style of dress that lessens one's self-confidence should be tabooed" (sic)._] I travelled from the Sussex hills With confidence divine, Full of the conscious power that thrills My heart when life is mine, And strode to Lady Fancy Frills With whom I was to dine. Her guests had come from Clubs and Courts And Halls of wealthy Jews; As they surveyed my running shorts I felt my courage ooze, While conscious power, grown out of sorts, Leaked through my canvas shoes. * * * * * Then I re-travelled South by West Inflated with a joy Which in the suit I called my best No buffet could destroy; I may remark I'd come full-dressed From lunch at the Savoy. But when the hills began to shout I coloured to the roots, And when the valleys cried, "Get out!" To the last word in suits, My joy, displaced by sudden doubt, Leaked through my spatted boots. * * * * * Of the mysterious Marconigrams:-- "They may be the effort of sentiment beings in some neighbouring planet to communicate with us."--_Evening Paper._ Can we have broken in on a conversation between _Venus_ and _Mars_? * * * * * [Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. PROFITEERING IN THE WEST END COMPELS MAYFAIR TO PUT ON ANY OLD RAGS AND DO ITS SHOPPING IN SHOREDITCH.] * * * * * [Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. "WILL YOU STAND BACK, SIR? YOU'RE SPOILING THE PICTURE."] * * * * * A CONFLICT OF EMOTIONS. (_With the British Army in France._) "I've seen rivetters at New York pie-foundries and stew-specialists on North Sea trawlers," said Percival severely, "but I never realised how monotonous feeding could be till I got into a Mess controlled by Binnie."