"Mr. ----, M.P., is leaving home for a fortnight's rest."--_Scotch Paper._ * * * * * PROTECTION FROM BURGLARS. FOR IDEAL AND OTHER HOMES. [Illustration: HAVING SEEN THAT THE FRONT-DOOR BURGLAR ALARM-GONG IS IN WORKING ORDER-- AND THE PASSAGE SPRING-TRAP ADJUSTED TO A NICETY-- AND THE PATENT PROTECTIVE STAIR-CREAK RECORDER IS SET TO THE RIGHT KEY-- AND YOUR SYNCHRONISED WINDOW-CATCH WARNING SYSTEM GEARED PROPERLY-- YOU CAN JUST GIVE A LOOK AT THE MECHANISM CONTROLLING THE BURGLAR CHLOROFORM SHOWER-- ARRANGE YOUR BARBED-WIRE-ENTANGLEMENT RUG-- RUN THROUGH YOUR JIU-JITSU EXERCISES ACCORDING TO CHART-- FIX YOUR INTERIOR BEDROOM-DOOR DEFENCES-- AND GO TO BED.] * * * * * THE INCORRIGIBLE. Ernest was a sprightly youth With a passion for the truth, Who, the other day, began His career as midshipman. 'Twas not in the least degree Vulgar curiosity Urging him to ask the reason Why, both in and out of season; 'Twas but keenness; all he lacked Was a saving sense of tact. Once the Lieut. of Ernie's watch, Dour, meticulous and Scotch, Thought he'd show the timid snotty (Newly joined) exactly what he Wanted when inspecting men. Closely Ernest watched, and then Said, saluting, "Sir, I note Several creases in your coat, And I see upon your trouser Signs of paint-work; yet just now, Sir, Did you not think fit to blame One poor man who had the same?" Ere that outraged Lieut. replied Suddenly our hero spied Coming aft, his labours done, Our benignant Number One (_Most_ abstemious is he, And, in fact, a strict T.T., But--it shows how Fate can blunder-- No one could be rubicunder. Ernest, after one swift glance, Said, "Excuse my ignorance, But, Sir, can you tell me why You are always red, while I, Even when I drink a lot, Only flush if I am hot?" Just as Number One grew pale And collapsed against the rail, Striving grimly not to choke, Ernest heard the busy Bloke Calling loudly, "Let her go!" To a seaman down below; "Fool! the cutter's bound to ram you, Push the pinnace forrard, damn you!" Ernest shook his youthful head And he very gently said Into his Commander's ear, "You forget yourself, I fear. May I ask what you would do If I used that word to _you_? Is it worthy, Sir, of an Officer and gentleman?" Aft ran little Ernest, only Pausing when he saw a lonely Figure bright with golden lace Who appeared to own the place. "Ah!" thought Ernie, "I know you; You're the luckless Captain who (Though you hadn't then a beard) Most unwillingly appeared But a year ago or less In the Illustrated Press." "Tell me, Sir," the youngster cried, Crossing to the Captain's side Of the sacred quarterdeck-- "How did you contrive the wreck Of the cruiser you commanded When she bumped the beach and stranded?"