"OH, IS 'E? WELL, 'E SEEMS TO 'AVE DONE BETTER OUT OF IT THAN I 'AVE."] * * * * * THE SCARECROW PROFESSION. "WANTED, Youth of sixteen for one of the healthiest jobs in the world, most of the time spent basking in the sun, listening to skylarks and throstles; wages 35s. guaranteed to smart youth. Lots of weaklings have been set on their feet and prepared to face the world at this situation."--_Provincial Paper._ TO A BRICKLAYER IN REPOSE. Rest from your work, awhile, my son, And let a mug of beer replace The moisture--sign of duty done-- That oozes from your honest face; Your tale of bricks, A long hour's task, already totals 6. Our goose that lays the bars of gold Must not incur too big a strain; Nor need you, as I think, be told To keep a check on hand and brain, Lest you exceed Your Union's limit in respect of speed. For homes a homeless people cries, But you've a principle at stake; Though fellow-workers, lodged in styes, Appeal to you for Labour's sake To fill their lack, Shall true bricklayers waive their Right to Slack? Never! You'll lay what bricks you choose, And let the others waste their breath, These myriads, ranged in weary queues, Who desperately quote _Macbeth_:-- "Lay on, Macduff, And damned be he that first cries 'Hold, enough'!" Your high profession stands apart; By years of toil you've learned the trick (Like PHEIDIAS with his plastic art) Of slapping mortar on a brick; Touched too the summit Of science with your lore of line and plummet. And none may join your sacred Guild, Save only graduates (so to speak), Experts with hod and trowel, skilled In the finesse of pure technique: And that is why No rude untutored soldier need apply. O.S. * * * * * KING'S REGULATIONS, PARA. 1696. I have been in the Army for over five years; I have wallowed in Flanders mud; I have killed thousands of Huns with my own hand; I have seen my friends resume the habiliment of gentlemen and retire to a life of luxury and ease; and yet I am still in the Army. I am informed that I am indispensable and that, although I shall be allowed to go in due course, the fate of the nation depends on my sticking to my job for a short time more. It would be against the best interests of discipline for me to tell you what my job is. Last week I yearned for a civilian life and decided that not only would I leave the Army but immediately and in good style. I laid my plans accordingly and proceeded to Mr. Nathan's. There for the expenditure of a few shillings I purchased the necessary material for my guile.