The Very Great Man spoke. His opening remarks showed that his interest was centred in me personally. He spoke again, and these are his exact words: "Mr. Jones," he said, "I perceive that you are a student of King's Regulations, and that you conform your actions to those estimable rules. You will be demobilised forthwith, and in view of your gallant service I have pleasure in awarding you a bonus of two hundred pounds in addition to your gratuity; but please understand that this exceptional remuneration is given on the condition that you are out of uniform within two hours." With my feet turned out at an angle of about forty-five degrees, my knees straight, my body erect and carried evenly over the thighs, I saluted, about turned and marched to the door. Everything had proceeded according to plan. As I reached the door the Very Great Man spoke to the Great Man. "You will draft an Army Order at once," he said, "in these words: King's Regulations. Amendment. Para. 1696 will be amended, and the following words deleted:--'Whiskers, if worn, will be of moderate length.'" I am still in the Army. The truth of the matter is that what I have described did not really happen. My nerve failed me at the door of Mr. Nathan's. But I believe that whiskers, detachable, red, can be obtained from Mr. Nathan for a few shillings. * * * * * Motto for the Anti-British _Echo de Paris_: "_Ludum insolentem ludere PERTINAX._" * * * * * [Illustration: EXPERT OPINION. FIRST BRICKLAYER (_pausing so as not to exceed his Union's speed limit_). "BOUGHT ANY OF THESE 'OUSING BONDS, MATE?" SECOND BRICKLAYER (_ditto_). "NOT ME; THEY'LL NEVER GET NO 'OUSES BUILT, NOT IF THINGS GO ON THE WAY THEY'RE GOING."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Incoming Batsman_ (_to Deep Field_). "ER--AM I GOING RIGHT FOR THE WICKET, PLEASE?"] * * * * * DENMARK TO HAVE A MANDATE FOR IRELAND. SENSATION IN POLITICAL CIRCLES. Dashing round to Downing Street on our motor-scooter we were just in time to catch Sir PHILIP KERR by one of his coat-tails as he was disappearing into the door of No. 10 and to ask him whether the strange rumour as to the PRIME MINISTER'S latest project was true. "Perfectly," replied the genial Secretary, gently disengaging us. "Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has been greatly struck by Mr. JACK JONES'S comparison of Lord ROBERT CECIL to OLIVER CROMWELL, and has been studying the whole Irish Question anew from an historical standpoint. He has decided that the mandate for Ireland ought never to have been undertaken for the Papal See by HENRY II. STRONGBOW----" "Let's see, wasn't he a Marathon runner?" we asked. "You are thinking of LONGBOAT," he replied. "The Earl of PEMBROKE was invited to enter Ireland by DESMOND MACMOROGH, and between you and me and the lamp-post DESMOND was a bad hat. Look at the way he stole DEVORGHAL, the wife of TIGHEIRANACH O'ROURKE."