E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. See 31119-h.htm or 31119-h.zip: (https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/31119/pg31119-images.html) or (https://www.gutenberg.org/files/31119/31119-h.zip) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOLUME 158, Jan-Jul 1920 JUNE 9, 1920. CHARIVARIA. Owing to heavy storms the other day one thousand London telephones were thrown out of order. Very few subscribers noticed the difference. * * * A camera capable of photographing the most rapid moving objects in the world is the latest invention of an American. There is some talk of his trying to photograph a bricklayer whizzing along at his work. * * * "Perjury is now rampant in all our Courts and there seems to be no way of preventing it," declares a well-known judge. Surely if they did away with the oath this grievance would soon disappear. * * * "With goodwill on both sides," said Lord ROTHSCHILD recently, "the Jews will make a success of colonising their own country." There will have to be assets as well as goodwill, it is thought, if they are to be made to feel thoroughly at home. * * * Mr. GEORGE BEER, the man who built the first glass houses in this country, has died at Worthing. The man who threw the first stone from inside has not yet been identified, but suspicion points to Sir FREDERICK BANBURY. * * * When the police order you to move on, said the Thames magistrate, it is better to go in the long run. Others declare that it is quite sufficient to melt from view at a businesslike waddle. * * * "The only way to get houses," says the Marylebone magistrate, "is to build them." The idea of knitting a few seems to have been overlooked. * * * We understand that the Scotsman who was injured in the rush outside the post-office on the last night of the three-halfpenny postage, is now able to get about with the help of a stick. * * * New motor vehicles to take the place of the "Black Marias" are now being used between Brixton Gaol and Bow Street. Customers who contemplate arrest should book early to avoid the congestion. * * * Signor MARCONI has failed to get into touch with Mars. At the same time we are asked to deny the rumour that communication has been established between Lord NORTHCLIFFE and the PREMIER. * * * "Comedians," says a stage paper, "are born, not made." This disposes of the impression that too many of them do it on purpose. * * * [Illustration: _Flapper._ "OH--AND I WANT SOME PEROXIDE. ER--IT'S FOR CLEANING HAIRBRUSHES, ISN'T IT?"] * * * It has been established in the Court of Appeal that the farther north you go the larger are people's feet. Surprise has been expressed at the comparatively small number of Metropolitan policemen who hail from Spitzbergen. * * *