"Oh, is that Mr. George? Well, Sir, I wanted to have a word with you on your handling of the European situation. Now, it's surely obvious that the Jugo-Slavs--" It seems possible that your victim now and then might enter into the spirit of the thing and do his best to make the dialogue a success. Contrariwise, if you were seeking violent excitements, you would ask a retired admiral, let us say, his opinion on the question "Do flappers put their hair up too soon?" or some such urgent problem of the day. How jolly these promiscuous exercises in conversation might be! * * * * * [Illustration: _Biddy_ (_recovering a spoon the morning after the party_). "SURE, ONE AV THE GUESTS MUST HAVE HAD A HOLE IN HIS POCKUT."] * * * * * TO THE NEW POLICEMAN. ["Increased remuneration is attracting to the force a more intellectual and better class of recruit.... Police administration here is now organised in a more humanitarian spirit than formerly, and a policeman is as much encouraged to prevent the necessity of an arrest as to effect an arrest."--_Sir WILLIAM GENTLE (retiring chief of the Brighton Police Force, unofficially known as "Sir William Gentle's Gentlemen"), interviewed by "The Daily Sketch._"] O Robert, in our hours of crime Certain to nab us every time, Or, failing, fill a dungeon cell With someone who does just as well; Now you're a gentleman in blue Provided with a princely screw, More is expected of you still; You must _prevent_ us doing ill. No longer is it deemed enough To slip the hand within the "cuff," To trap road-hogs and motor-bikes, Or merely to arrest _Bill Sikes_. Thus, when you take position at The window of an empty flat, And _Bill_ arrives to burgle it, Urge him his evil ways to quit; Or, posted in a public bar, Where men drink too much beer by far, Before them you might firmly put The arguments of PUSSYFOOT; Or, summoned to a scene of strife, Persuade the fellow with the knife By means of tactful reasoning That murder is not quite the thing. The world would profit if you took A leaf from out the Parson's book, Becoming a judicious blend Of "guide, philosopher and friend." Discard your truncheon for a tract; Strive to admonish ere you act; In Virtue's force enrol recruits And stamp out Belial with your boots. * * * * * ITEMS FROM ANYWHERE. (_After the model of most of the dailies, by our specially unreliable news service._) It is reported that, owing to the present high price of labour, a German Zeppelin is to be loaned to the Government to carry out the demolition of the nineteen unnecessary City churches. * * * * * Arrested on a charge of loitering with felonious intent, Thomas Wrott, aged forty, of Featherleigh, Beds, stated that he was building a house.