Once--it was done at duty's call-- My labouring oar explored thy reaches; They said I was no good at all And coaches noting me would bawl Things about "angleworms and breeches;" But oh! the shouts of heartfelt glee That rang on thine astonished marges As we bore (rolling woundily) Full in the wake of Brasenose III. And bumped them soundly at the barges. That night on Oxenford there burst A sound of strong men at their revels, And stroke, in vinous lore unversed, Retired, if you must know the worst, On feet that swam at different levels, Nor knew till morning brought its cares That, while the cup was freely flowing, He'd scaled a flight of moving stairs And commandeered his tutor's chairs To keep the college bonfire going. Immortal youth it was that bound Us twain together, beauteous river; And, though these limbs just crawl around That once would scarcely touch the ground, And alcohol upsets my liver, Still, in a punt or lithe canoe I can revive my vernal heyday, Pretend the sky's ethereal blue, The golden kingcups' cheery hue, Spell my, as well as Nature's, Mayday. The evening glows, the swallow skims Between the water and the willows; The blackbirds pipe their evening hymns, A punt awaits at Mr. Tims' With generous tea and lots of pillows, And of all girls the first, the best To play at youth with this old fossil; Then Isis, as we glide to rest Upon thy shadow-dappled breast, We'll pledge thee in a generous wassail. ALGOL. * * * * * [Illustration: _Mistress._ "DID EVERYTHING COME FROM THE STORES THAT I ORDERED?" _Maid._ "EVERYTHINK, MUM, 'CEPT THE 'ADDICK, WHICH IS COMING ON BY ITSELF LATER."] * * * * * ENGLAND UNBENDS. REPORTS FROM SPA AND SHORE. SCARGATE.--This famous Yorkshire Spa is now in a condition of hectic activity and offers a plethora of attractions. A recent analysis of the waters shows that the proportion of sapid ovaloid particles and sulphuretted trinitrotoluene is larger than ever. Lieutenant Platt- Stithers' stincopated anthropoid orchestra plays four times daily--in the early morning and at noon for the relief of the water-drinkers, and in the afternoon and evening in the rotating Jazz Hall. Special attractions this week include cinema lectures daily on the domestic life of the Solomon Islanders by Mr. Nicholas Ould; a recital on the Bolophone on Thursday by Mr. Tertius Quodling, and, at the Grand Opera House, _Pope Joan_ and _The Flip-Flappers_. On Saturday the Stridcar Golf Club will hold a series of competitions in rational fancy dress for the benefit of the Phonetic Spelling Association.