Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 159. September 8th, 1920. CHARIVARIA. There are rumours of Prohibition in Scotland. We can only say that if Scotland goes dry it will also go South. * * * By an order of the FOOD CONTROLLER rice has been freed from all restrictions as regards use. This drastic attempt to stem the prevailing craze for matrimony has not come a moment too soon. * * * We suppose it is due to pressure of business, but the Spanish Cabinet has not resigned this week. * * * _The Daily Mail_ is offering one hundred pounds for the best new hat for men. The cocked hat into which Mr. SMILLIE hopes to knock the country is, of course, excluded from the competition. * * * A horse at Chichester has been run down by a train. Asked how he came to catch up with the horse the driver said he just let her rip. * * * Despite the repeated reports of his resignation in the London papers, Mr. DAVIS, the American Ambassador to Britain, states that he does not intend to retire. This contempt for English newspapers will be justifiably resented. * * * Mrs. LILLIAN RUSSELL, of Rockland, Mass., is reported to have offered to sell her husband for twenty thousand pounds. It is a great consolation to those of us who are husbands that they are fetching such high prices. * * * The road-menders in Oxford Street who went on strike have now resumed work. The discovery was made by a spectator who saw one of them move. * * * A contemporary reports the prospect of fair weather for another three weeks. It looks as if Mr. SMILLIE is going to have a fine day for it after all. * * * A New York message states that the congregation of a New Jersey church pelted the Rev. F.S. KOPFMANN with eggs. This is disgraceful with eggs at their present price. * * * We have just heard of a Scotsman who has a pre-GEDDES railway time-table for sale, present owner having no further use for it. * * * It is stated in scientific circles that the present weather is due to the Gulf Stream. This relieves Mr. CHURCHILL of considerable responsibility. * * * "The length of a bee's sting," says _Tit Bits_, "is only one thirty-second of an inch." We are grateful for this information because when we are being stung we are always too busy to measure for ourselves. * * * Those who maintain that nothing good ever comes from Russia have suffered a nasty slap in the face. A news message states that the Bolshevists have invited Mr. SMILLIE to visit Petrograd. * * * "Horsehair coats have made their appearance," says _The Outfitter_. Surely this is nothing very new. We have often seen horses wearing them. * * * A man who stole the same fowls twice has been charged at Grimsby. He pleads that his bookkeeper omitted to enter them in the day-book the first time. * * *