"And those that order beforehand dinna come," she replied with some asperity. "A pairty of six ordered for yesterday then they telegraphs to say they mean to-day, and now they're no here and the time lang gone by. I thocht ye were the pairty at first." "What a shame!" murmured MacFadden sympathetically. "Ay, if they had turned up they should hae had their lunch, and paid for it too," said the good lady grimly. "Twa days they should hae paid for. But if ye like ye can eat their lunch for them; it's cauld but guid." So we ate heartily, paid reasonably and went away on good terms with ourselves and the lady. Walking up the steep hill from the hotel I was just behind Willoughby and Sylvia. He was pushing the two bicycles and explaining something elaborately. "Awfully sorry about that silly woman, Sylvia," he said, "but it's only their rotten way of talking English. You see, when she says, '_Will_ you be Mrs. Willoughby?' she really means, '_Are_ you?' It's not the same as when an Englishman says it. If I said, 'Will you be Mrs. Willoughby?' that would be different; it would mean--" "Yes," interrupted Sylvia rather breathlessly, "that, Tommy dear, would be plain English, to which I could give a plain answer. I should say--" We had reached the brow of the hill. I mounted my bicycle and hurried on. * * * * * [Illustration: _Mistress._ "YOU SEEM TO HAVE BEEN IN A GOOD MANY SITUATIONS. HOW MANY MISTRESSES HAVE YOU HAD, ALL TOLD?" _Maid._ "FIFTEEN, ALL TOLD--AND ALL TOLD WHAT I THOUGHT OF 'EM."] * * * * * "1,000 EGGS IN ONE WHISKER." _Daily Paper._ A much worse case than that of LEAR'S old man with a beard, who said it was just as he feared. * * * * * "For all we know, Helen of Troy's best friends might have said, 'Helen has style and knows how to make the most of her good points; but, honest, now, do you think she should have got the apple?'" _Evening Paper._ Certainly not. That's why Paris gave it to Aphrodite. * * * * * [Illustration: _First Ancient (with morbid fear of growing deaf, breaking long silence)._ "THERE--IT'S COME AT LAST! YOU'VE BEEN TALKING ALL THIS TIME AND I AIN'T HEARD A SINGLE WORD." _Second Ancient._ "BAIN'T BIN TALKIN'--BIN CHEWIN'."] * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)