P.S.--I shall take my boys in holiday time the round of the hoardings, and tell them all about the plays. Cheap entertainment, eh? * * * * * Mr. BLUNDELL MAPLE, M. P. elect for Dulwich--not by any means a dullidge sort of constituency in the opinion of the Conservative Candidate's Agent--is to be congratulated on attaining his majority. When he has prepared his maiden speech for the House, he may hum to himself:-- "Now I'm furnished, Now I'm furnished for my flight!" * * * * * THE FUTURE POSITION OF THE ARMY. _A Sketch founded on the Suggestions of "The Greatest Briton."_ PART I.--_Before the G. B. took the matter in hand._ "I am heartily glad you have come," said the Commander-in-Chief (patented), throwing down the _Fortnightly_, "because this article upon the present condition of the Army, by the Author of _Greater Britain_, has put me out completely." [Illustration: "En Retraite."] "I glanced at it, but could not get through it," replied _the_ Field Marshal. "What does he say?" "Well, so far as I can make out, that in the time of war all the Militia will be drafted into the Army, and all the Coast Guards into the Navy, and both will disappear together with the Army and the Navy in the first battle." "Anything else?" "Well," continued GEORGE RANGER, re-opening the Magazine, "he seems to think that we have got enough men, if we can't get more, but that we must defend India with the aid of compulsory service, although, for various 'religious and commercial reasons, almost peculiar to England, the non-adoption of Conscription is certain." "From this I take it the article is slightly mixed?" "It is--and I am bothered entirely!" replied the poor Duke, who had a habit, when worried, of returning to the brogue he used as Prince GEORGE in Ireland, in his youth. "What will I do? Look there now, we have cut down everything to starvation proportions, to please Lord GRANDOLPH, to say nothing of upsetting the entire machinery of the War Office, to save the salary of the Surveyor-General of the Ordnance. Sure, what more will I do?" "Read this," replied _the_ Field Marshal, giving to H. R. H. a packet. "If War is declared, open it, and act upon the orders contained in it." And, with this, _Punch_, the greatest modern strategist, bowed, and retired. PART II.--_After the G. B. took the matter in hand._ Two months later Europe, shaken by the mightiest conflict of this century, was beginning to regain her composure. It would be unwise (for it might offend foreign susceptibilities) to give the names of the victories that had added fresh lustre to the British arms. Suffice it to say that not a single reverse had been recorded. Once more _the_ Field Marshal entered the room of the Commander-in-Chief (patented). "Well, GEORGE, how goes it?" asked the foremost soldier of the age. The Commander-in-Chief (patented) fell upon his knees and kissed the spurs of his master's boots.