"'Memorandum of Aunt JANE'S Will.' 'All property to go to ALICE SMITH, unless Aunt JANE'S poodle, _Tommy Atkins_, dies before ALICE SMITH comes of age. In which case, it all goes to me.' I remember making that note when the will was read. And now"--he glanced at the covered basket--"_Tommy_'s kicked the bucket. Well, he stood in my way. Who's to know? But there must be no _post-mortem_, no 'vet' fetched in. Happy thought--I'll have the brute stuffed." He knelt down by the side of the basket, and slowly drew back the covering. "Ah!" he said--"it's cruel work." Did he refer to the chair-back? or did he refer to the way in which, for the sake of gain, an honest dog had been MURDERED? For there before my eyes lay the dead poodle, _Tommy Atkins_! "ALICE loses all her money," he continued, "but that doesn't matter. She tells me that she's picked up no end of a swell down at Ryde, and he may marry her. The question is--will he?" Once more I felt like a division sum. I yearned to call out loudly, and answer with a decided negative; but no words came. My strength was gone. I was utterly worked out, and there was no remainder. When I came to myself, I found JAMES, the waiter, standing by my bedside with a gentleman whom I did not know. JAMES introduced him to me as a Mr. ALKALOID, a photographer who was stopping in the hotel. Mr. ALKALOID had been woken up by a wild shriek for a decided negative, and had rushed down to see if he could do a little business. "Take you by the electric light," he said; "just as you are,"--I was in my night-dress and the old, old hat, the rim of which had been slightly sprained,--"perfectly painless process, and money returned if not satisfactory." I thanked him warmly, and apologised for having disturbed him. I went to London on the following day. I felt it my positive duty to explain that I should always regard ALICE SMITH as a sister, but nothing more. I had quite forgotten that I did not know the house where ALICE SMITH lived, and the poodle dog lay dead. (_Here ends the Narrative of_ CYRIL MUSH.) * * * * * [Illustration: THE SUMMONS TO DUTY. (_Design for a Parliamentary Cartoon, illustrating the Life of a Country Member._)] * * * * * [Illustration: "EXCLUSIVE DEALING." _Irish Landlord_ (_boycotted_). "PAT, MY MAN, I'M IN NO END OF A HURRY. PUT THE PONY TO, AND DRIVE ME TO THE STATION, AND I'LL GIVE YE HALF A SOVEREIGN!" _Pat_ (_Nationalist, but needy_). "OCH SHURE, IT'S MORE THAN ME LOIFE IS WORTH TO BE SEEN DROIVING _YOU_, YER HONOUR. BUT"--(_slily_)--"IF YER HONOUR WOULD JIST DROIVE _ME_, MAYBE IT'S MESELF THAT MOIGHT VENTURE IT!"] * * * * * "SWEET-MARJORIE!" [Illustration: Change for a Tenor. Wilfred of Huntington is succeeded by that Man of Mark--Tapley.]