[Illustration: TOMMY'S "'ARRIET" DEPARTMENT. _A Group omitted from the Military Exhibition._] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. _House of Commons, Monday, June 2._--Heligoland is safe, but there were some anxious moments. GEORGE CAMPBELL led attack. House reassembled after Whitsun recess. Not many present. OLD MORALITY still sporting in the country, toying with Amaryllis in the shade, or with tangles of Neaera's hair. (That's how the Member for Sark puts it, but admits that it's only poetry.) Mr. G. away too, also GRANDOLPH and HARTINGTON. JOKIM in charge of Government ship; evidently in mildest mood; didn't once pounce, though sorely tempted by all-pervadingness of CAMPBELL. That eminent Statesman only began with Heligoland; steamed later into the Pacific Seas, and moved reduction of salary of Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific. Wants Heligoland given up. "Certainly not," said NICHOLAS WOOD; "must take firm stand with these Separatists. Not quite sure in what part of Ireland Heligoland is situated. Sounds like Munster; must look it up on map. Meanwhile shall support BALFOUR." Whilst NICHOLAS off in library, vainly looking over map of Ireland, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE backs up CAMPBELL. Knows Heligoland intimately. Seems to have passed best period of useful life there. Members quite prepared to hear that there it was the famous letter from Foreign Office found him when, by way of reproof of niggardliness of Department, he was obeying instructions that transferred him from Dresden to Constantinople by journeying on foot. Taking Heligoland _en route_, he found it a mere sandbank, an accumulation of molecules, whose existence was justified only by the opportunity of furnishing a scion of the British aristocracy with an annual salary as Governor. "Hand it over to Germany, in exchange, if you please, for few pounds of sausages; but get rid of it." NICHOLAS, coming back after vain search for Heligoland on map of Ireland, lustily shouts, "No!" "No use arguing with these fellows, TOBY," he says; "we must Put Them Down. Case seems a little mixed; don't quite follow argument. Rather wonder ARTHUR BALFOUR isn't in his place to explain it; at same time, haven't slightest doubt it's another Mitchelstown affair--another Middle Tipperary muddle. I shall watch to see which Lobby our Whips are filling, and march straight into it."