The Police Force are a noble lot, They clear our streets and squares; To Demonstrators give it hot, And banish civic scares. But there's one thing I wish to know; Why do the public grin When one Commissioner will go, And t'other won't stop in? _Chorus._ Why _did_ MONRO resign? Ask a P'liceman! Was it any fault of mine? Ask a P'liceman! Every member of the Force Backs the popular Boss--of course! If you want to know the truth, Ask a P'liceman! I'm very sure I'm always right, And yet it's vastly queer, My Secretary's aid they slight, My Pension-projects jeer. My Superannuation plan Won't wash--at Scotland Yard. They seem against me to a man. It's really very hard. _Chorus._ If you'd know why WARREN went, Ask a P'liceman! Or why MONRO'S not content, Ask a P'liceman! Isn't it enough to vex The most genial of Home-Secs.? If you want an answer--plump, Ask a P'liceman! I'm getting quite unpopular; I can't imagine why. If in the Force itself there's war, 'Gainst _me_ there'll be a cry. Fancy our Constables on strike For Eight Hours, and the rest! The prospect's one I do not like. P'licemen, _don't_ be a pest! _Chorus (in which_ Mr. M-T-TH-WS _does not join_.) If you want to know the facts, Ask a P'liceman! About M-TTH-WS and his acts, Ask a P'liceman! If you wish the truth to know About popular MONRO, And who _next_ ought to resign, Ask a P'liceman!!! * * * * * [Illustration: A NASTY ONE. _Miss Smith (to Brown, who has just been relating an amusing personal experience)._ "HOW GOOD! AND DID IT REALLY HAPPEN TO YOU?" _Brown._ "YES, _REALLY_--ONLY YESTERDAY!" _Jones (his hated rival)._ "AH! BUT I CAN TELL YOU A STILL OLDER STORY THAN THAT, ABOUT A FELLOW WHO----" [_Tells a regular Joe Miller._ ] * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. SOCIAL. "_You'll come again soon?_" _i.e._, "Thank goodness, he's going abroad!" "_Always make time to see you_;" _i.e._, "Strict orders to servants, 'Not at home.'" THEATRICAL. "_Miss Blank will make her first appearance in Juliet at a Matinée_;" _i.e._, That some theatrical coach sees his way to making a little additional profit out of a wealthy and ambitious pupil. "_Why don't you look in?--house crammed every night, but always room for you_;" _i.e._, Last attempt to place a free admission when the theatre is empty, and the vouchers have been refused at the poster-displaying tobacconists. * * * * * BACK TO BACKS. The Cambridge Week, delightful. Beautiful weather till I left, and after me--the deluge! Fair faces everywhere, and O those beautiful "Backs"! As the poet sang-- "Ye Backs and Braes!"