Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 28, 1841. * * * * * THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. CHAPTER I. INTRODUCES THE READER TO THE APPLEBITE FAMILY AND TO AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE IN PARTICULAR. [Illustration: T]The following is extracted from the _Parliamentary Guide_ for 18--:--"APPLEBITE, ISAAC (_Puddingbury_). Born March 25, 1780; descended from his grandfather, and has issue." And upon reference to a monument in Puddingbury church, representing the first Mrs. Applebite (who was a housemaid) industriously scrubbing a large tea-urn, whilst another figure (supposed to be the second Mrs. Applebite) is pointing reproachfully to a little fat cherub who is blowing himself into a fit of apoplexy from some unassignable cause or another--I say upon reference to this monument, upon which is blazoned forth all the stock virtues of those who employ stonemasons, I find, that in July, 18--, the said Isaac was gathered unto Abraham's bosom, leaving behind him--a seat in the House of Commons--a relict--the issue aforesaid, and L50,000 in the three per cents. The widow Applebite had so arranged matters with her husband, that two-thirds of the above sum were left wholly and solely to her, as some sort of consolation under her bereavement of the "best of husbands and the kindest of fathers." (_Vide_ monument.) Old Isaac must have been a treasure, for his wife either missed him so much, or felt so desirous to learn if there was another man in the world like him, that, as soon as the monument was completed and placed in Puddingbury chancel, she married a young officer in a dashing dragoon regiment, and started to the Continent to spend the honeymoon, leaving her son-- AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE (the apoplectic "cherub" and the "issue" alluded to in the _Parliamentary Guide_), to the care of himself. A.C.A. was the pattern of what a young man ought to be. He had 16,000 and odd pounds in the three per cents., hair that curled naturally, stood five feet nine inches without his shoes, always gave a shilling to a waiter, lived in a terrace, never stopped out all night (but once), and paid regularly every Monday morning. Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite was a happy bachelor! The women were delighted to see him, and the men to dine with him: to the one he gave _bouquets_; to the other, cigars: in short, everybody considered A.C.A. as A1; and A.C.A. considered that A1 was his proper mark.