Take a young lady--dress her in blue ribbons--sprinkle with innocence, spring flowers, and primroses. Procure a Baronet (a Lord if in season); if not, a depraved "younger son"--trim him with ecarte, rouge et noir, Epsom, Derby, and a slice of Crockford's. Work up with rustic cottage, an aged father, blind mother, and little brothers and sisters in brown holland pinafores. Introduce mock abduction--strong dose of virtue and repentance. Serve up with village church--happy parent--delighted daughter--reformed rake--blissful brothers--syren sisters--and perfect _denouement_. N.B. Season with perspective christening and postponed epitaph. A STARTLING ROMANCE. Take a small boy, charity, factory, carpenter's apprentice, or otherwise, as occasion may serve--stew him well down in vice--garnish largely with oaths and flash songs--boil him in a cauldron of crime and improbabilities. Season equally with good and bad qualities--infuse petty larceny, affection, benevolence, and burglary, honour and housebreaking, amiability and arson--boil all gently. Stew down a mad mother--a gang of robbers--several pistols--a bloody knife. Serve up with a couple of murders--and season with a hanging-match. N.B. Alter the ingredients to a beadle and a workhouse--the scenes may be the same, but the whole flavour of vice will be lost, and the boy will turn out a perfect pattern.--Strongly recommended for weak stomachs. AN HISTORICAL DITTO. Take a young man six feet high--mix up with a horse--draw a squire from his father's estate (the broad-shouldered and loquacious are the best sort)--prepare both for potting (that is, exporting). When abroad, introduce a well-pounded Saracen--a foreign princess--stew down a couple of dwarfs and a conquered giant--fill two sauce-tureens with a prodigious ransom. Garnish with garlands and dead Turks. Serve up with a royal marriage and cloth of gold. A NARRATIVE. Take a distant village--follow with high-road--introduce and boil down pedlar, gut his pack, and cut his throat--hang him up by the heels--when enough, let his brother cut him down--get both into a stew--pepper the real murderer--grill the innocent for a short time--then take them off, and put delinquents in their place (these can scarcely be broiled too much, and a strong fire is particularly recommended). When real perpetrators are _done_, all is complete. If the parties have been poor, serve up with mint sauce, and the name of the enriched sufferer. BIOGRAPHY OF KINGS. Lay in a large stock of "gammon" and pennyroyal--carefully strip and pare all the tainted parts away, when this can be done without destroying the whole--wrap it up in printed paper, containing all possible virtues--baste with flattery, stuff with adulation, garnish with fictitious attributes, and a strong infusion of sycophancy. Serve up to prepared courtiers, who have been previously well seasoned with long-received pensions or sinecures. DRAMATIC RECIPES. FOR THE ADELPHI.--VERY FINE!