The women are best judges after all! And Sheridan was right, and Plagi-ary; To their decision all things mundane fall, From court to counting-house; from square to dairy; From caps to chemistry; from tract to shawl, And then these female verdicts never vary! In fact, on lap-dogs, lovers, buhl, and boddices, There are no critics like these mortal goddesses! To please such readers, authors make it answer To trace a pedigree to the creation Of some old Saxon peer; a monstrous grandsire, Whose battles tell, in print, to admiration-- But I, unfortunate, have never once a Mysterious hint of any great relation; I know whether Shem or Japhet--right sir-- Was my progenitor--nor care a kreutzer. For, though there's matter for regret in losing An opportune occasion to record The feats in gambling, duelling, seducing-- Conventional acquirements of a lord-- Still I have stories startling and amusing, Which I can tell and vouch, upon my word. To anybody who desires to hear 'em-- But don't be nervous, pray,--you needn't fear 'em. But what of my poor Hy-son all this while? She saved the gardener by a timely kiss. Few husbands are there proof against a smile, And Te-pott's rage endured no more than this. Ah, reader! gentle, moral, free from guile, Think you she did so _very_ much amiss? She was not love-sick for the fellow quite-- She merely _thought_ of him--from morn till night! A state of mind how much by parents dreaded! (By those outrageous parents, English mammas, Who scarcely own their daughters till they're wedded)-- How postulant of patent Chubbs and Bramahs! And eyes--the safest locks when locks are needed!-- And Abigails, and homilies, and grammars; And other antidotes for "detrimentals"-- _Id est_, fine gentlemen unblest with rentals. But this could not stop here; nor did it stop-- For both were anxious for--an explanation. And in the harem's grating was a gap, Whence Hy-son peep'd in modest hesitation; While on his spade the gardener would prop Himself, and issue looks of adoration; Until it happen'd, like a lucky rhyme, Each for the other look'd at the same time. Then fell the gardener upon his knees, And kiss'd his hand in manner most devout-- So Hy-son couldn't find the heart to tease The poor dear man by being in a pout;-- Besides, she might go walk among the trees, And not a word of scandal be made out. She thought a--very--little more upon it, Then smiled to Sou-chong,--and put on her bonnet. * * * * * PUNCH AND THE SWISS GIANTESS! SHERIFFS' COURT.--WEDNESDAY. BONBON _versus_ PUNCH.