retained, rejecting all expletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of speech; to be terse and abrupt in style--use monosyllables always in preference to polysyllables--and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose names contain more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my returning home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had written a novel of three neat, portable volumes; which, I assert, any lady or gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train running from London to Birmingham. I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of writing possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen, omnibus-cads, tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may "read as they run." Fiddlers at the theatres, during the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my invention; for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation, I shall instantly apply for a patent. SPECIMEN. CLARE GREY: A NOVEL. "Brief let me be." LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author. 1841. VOL. I. Clare Grey--Sweet girl--Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops, &c.--Tom Lee--Young, gay, but poor--Loved Clare madly--Clare loved Tom ditto--Clare's pa' rich, old, cross, cruel, &c.--Smelt a rat--D----d Tom, and swore at Clare--Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars--Love's schemes--_Billet-doux_ from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas, crammed with vows, love, despair, hope--Answer (pencil and curl-paper), slipped through key-hole--Full of hope, despair, love, vows--Tom serenades--Bad cold--Rather hoarse--White kerchief from garret-window--"'Tis Clare! 'tis Clare!"--Garden-wall, six feet high--Love is rash--Scale the wall--Great house-dog at home--Pins Tom by the calf--Old Hunk's roused--Fire! thieves! guns, swords, and rushlights--Tom caught--Murder, burglary--Station-house, gaol, justice--Fudge!--Pretty mess--Heigho!--'Oh! 'tis love,' &c.--Sweet Clare Grey!--Seven pages of sentiment--Lame leg, light purse, heavy heart--Pshaw!--Never mind-- [Illustration: "THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN"] VOL. II. "Adieu, my native land," &c.--D.I.O.--"We part to meet again"--Death or glory--Red coat--Laurels and rupees in view--Vows of constancy, eternal truth, &c--Tom swells the brine with tears--Clare wipes her eyes in cambric--Alas! alack! oh! ah!--Fond hearts, doomed to part--Cruel fate!--Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.--Tom in battle--Cut, slash, dash--Sabres, rifles--Round and grape in showers--Hot work--Charge!--Whizz--Bang!--Flat as a Flounder--Never say die--Peace--Sweet sound--Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one eye--Half-pay--Home--Huzza!--Swift gales--Post-horses--Love, hope, and Clare Grey-- [Illustration: "I'D BE A BUTTERFLY," &c.] VOL. III.