For such a lamentable want Our good Archbishop grieves; 'Tis very strange the Tories should Remind him _of the thieves!_ * * * * * EPIGRAM. An American paper tells us of a woman named Dobbs, who was killed in a preaching-house at Nashville, by the fall of a chandelier on her head. Brett's Patent Brandy poet, who would as soon make a witticism on a cracked crown as a cracked bottle, has sent us the following:-- "The _light of life_ comes from above," Old Dingdrum snuffling said; "The _light_ came down on Peggy Dobbs, And Peggy Dobbs was _dead_." * * * * * A man in Kentucky was so absent, that he put himself on the toasting-fork, and did not discover his mistake until he was _done brown_. * * * * * CONSISTENCY. No wonder Tory landlords flout "Fix'd Duty," for 'tis plain, With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill Must _go against the grain._ * * * * * The anticipated eruption of Mount Vesuvius is said to have been prevented by throwing a box of Holloway's Ointment into the crater. * * * * * THE SAILOR'S SECRET. In the year--let me see--but no matter about the date--my father and mother died of a typhus fever, leaving me to the care of an only relative, and uncle, by my father's side. His name was Box, as my name is Box. I was a babby in long clothes at that time, not even so much as christened; so uncle, taking the hint, I suppose, from the lid of his sea-chest, had me called Bellophron Box. Bellophron being the name of the ship of which he was sailing-master. I sha'n't say anything about my education; though I was brought up in [Illustration: A FIRST RATE BOARDING-SCHOOL.] It's not much to boast of; but as soon as I could bear the weight of a cockade and a dirk, uncle got me a berth as midshipman on board his own ship. So there I was, _Mr._ Bellophron Box. I didn't like the sea or the service, being continually disgusted at the partiality shown towards me, for in less than a month I was put over the heads of all my superior officers. You may stare--but it's true; for _I was mast-headed_ for a week at a stretch. When we put into port, Captain ---- called me into his cabin, and politely informed me that if I chose to go on shore, and should find it inconvenient to return, no impertinent inquiries should be made after me. I availed myself of the hint, and exactly one year and two months after setting foot on board the Bellophron, I was _Master_ Bellophron Box again.