Those to whom Brighton is recommended for change of air and of scene get sadly taken in, for here the air--like that of a barrel-organ--never changes, as the wind is always high. In sunshine, Brighton always looks hot; in moonshine, eternally dreary; the men are yawning all day long, and the women sitting smirking in bay-windows, or walking with puppy-dogs and parasols, which last they are continually opening and shutting. In short, when a man is sick of the world, or a maiden of forty-five has been so often crossed in love as to be obliged to leave off hoping against hope, Brighton is an excellent place to prepare him or her for a final retirement from life--whether that is contemplated in the Queen's Bench, a convent, a residence among the Welsh mountains, or the monastery of La Trappe, a month's probation in Brighton, at the height of the season, being well calculated to make any such change not only endurable, but agreeable. * * * * * CUSTOM-HOUSE SALE. LOT 1.--A PORT. For sale, Thorwaldsen's Byron, rich in beauty, Because his country owes, and will not pay, "duty." * * * * * THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. CHAPTER VI. TREATS OF CHALK-AND-QUA-DRILL-OGY. [Illustration: E]Entirely disgusted with his unsuccessful appeal to the enlightened British public assembled in the front of his residence, and which had produced effects so contrary to what he had conceived would be the result, Agamemnon called a committee of his household, to determine on the most advisable proceedings to be adopted for remedying the evils resulting from the unexpected pyrotechnic display of the morning. The carpet was spoiled--the house was impregnated with the sooty effluvia, and the company was expected to arrive at nine o'clock. What was to be done? Betty suggested the burning of brown paper and scrubbing the carpet; John, assafoetida and sawdust; Mrs. Waddledot, pastilles and chalking the floor. As the latter remedies seemed most compatible with the gentility of their expected visiters, immediate measures were taken for carrying them into effect. A dozen cheese-plates were disposed upon the stairs, each furnished with little pyramids of fragrance; old John, who was troubled with an asthma, was deputed to superintend them, and nearly coughed himself into a fit of apoplexy in the strenuous discharge of his duty. Whilst these in-door remedial appliances were in progress, Agamemnon was hurrying about in a hack cab to discover a designer in chalk, and at length was fortunate enough to secure the "own artist" of the celebrated "Crown and Anchor." Mr. Smear was a shrewd man, as well as an excellent artist; and when he perceived the very peculiar position of things, he forcibly enumerated all the difficulties which presented themselves, and which could only be surmounted by a large increase of remuneration.