_Turf Celebrities I have Known_, by WILLIAM DAY, is a gossipy, snarly sort of book; casting a rather murky or grey Day-light on a considerable number of Celebrities who were once on the turf, and are now under it. But the Baron not being himself either on the turf or under it, supposes that this DAY is an authority, as was once upon a time, that is, only the other day, the Dey of ALGIERS. But this DAY is not of Algiers, but of All-gibes. Ordinarily it is true that "Every dog has his day." Exceptions prove the rule, and it would appear from this book--"not the first 'book,' I suppose," quoth the Baron, "that Mr. DAY has 'made' or assisted in 'making,'"--that not every dog did _not_ 'have' this particular Day, but that some dogs did. The writer has missed the chance of a good title--not for himself, but for his book. He should have it an autobiography, and then call it, "_De Die in Diem; or, Day by Day_." Everyone's truly, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. * * * * * WHAT IT WILL COME TO! (_A FRAGMENT FROM A MILITARY-COMMERCIAL ROMANCE OF THE FUTURE._) And so Mr. ELLERSDEE approached his proposed recruit, and invited him to lunch to discuss the matter quietly. "You are very good," returned the other, "but I can assure you I eat nothing before dinner. Won't you have a cigar?" Mr. ELLERSDEE accepted the proffered kindness, and remarked upon the excellent quality of the tobacco. "Yes," assented his companion, "it is not half bad, for we get all our supplies from the Stores; and now what can I do for you?" Then Mr. ELLERSDEE unfolded his sad story. England was losing her commercial prosperity, owing to a scarcity of labourers, artisans, nay, even clerks. The Empire was in as bad a condition as those foreign countries in which forced military service was established. Like France and Germany, trade was being ruined by the Army. Would not the young man desert, and become a recruit in the Labour League? "My dear friend," was the reply, "I hope I am as patriotic as most people, but I cannot sacrifice my just interest entirely to sentiment. What can you give me in exchange for my present life? I have recreation-rooms, libraries, polytechnics, and every sort of amusement?" "But also drill and discipline," urged the other. "Which I am told by my medical attendant (whose services by the way are gratuitous), are excellent for my health. This being so, I can scarcely complain of those institutions. Then I have excellent pay and ample food. Now, I ask you frankly, can the advantages offered by Trade compare for a moment with the privileges, as a soldier, I now enjoy? Tell me frankly, shall I improve my position by giving up the Army?" And Mr. ELLERSDEE was compelled to answer in the negative! * * * * * THE DIARY OF AN OLD JOKE. (_POSTHUMOUSLY PRINTED BY KIND PERMISSION OF WIT, HUMOUR, & CO., LIMITED._)