As did I smoke? and could I play At golf? or did I get the gout? And--most important--could I say My mother knew that I was out? Then two were chosen. Should I "do"? Perhaps!--and, just as I began To hope, of course they gave it to The Other Man. All uselessly I've learnt to swear And use expressions that are vile; In vain, in vain I've torn my hair In quite the most artistic style. Yet one thing would I gladly learn-- Yes, tell me quickly, if you can-- Shall I be also, in my turn, The Other Man? * * * * * THE KEY TO A LOCK. ["A lock of ----'s hair, set in a small gold-rimmed case, and said to be an ancient family possession, was knocked down for forty pounds."] Take yonder lock of tangled hair, A silver seamed with sable, Dim harbinger from dreamland fair Of reverie and fable; Yes, grandson mine, the treasure take, A trinket loved, if little, And wear it, darling, for my sake, In yonder locket brittle; Small, as my banker's balance, small And faint--a touching token; My luck, the lock, the locket, all Seem, child, a trifle broken. Investments, boy, are looking glum; They flit and fade; in fine a Not inconsiderable sum Has gone to--Argentina. Nay, chide me not; one day, refilled By these, may shine your pocket, And Fortune's resurrection gild The lock within the locket. Because, you see, when strong and sage You grow, and all the serried Lights of the great Victorian age With me are quenched and buried; When other men in other days Walk paramount--then shall you Submit the thing to such as praise The Past, its relics value. The curl was worn, you'll tell your friends, By TENNYSON or BROWNING (The detail of the name depends On who is worth renowning). You'll vaunt that one who knew the grand Victorian Stars, and rather Deserved himself to join the band (In fact your father's father), Who, past expression, loved whate'er The market cottons _then_ to, Committed to your childish care This genuine memento. You'll catalogue it, as befalls Your choice, my little gran'son; You'll bear it to the deathless halls Of CHRISTIE, WOODS, AND MANSON. So, when the fateful hammer sounds, And you have cashed in rhino A cheque for, haply, forty pounds, You'll bless your grandsire, I know; Who, while his fortunes failed, and much Was life's horizon o'ercast, _Created_ souvenirs with such A keen, commercial forecast. * * * * * [Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS--SIR WILLIAM VARIETY HARCOURT.] * * * * * BACCHUS OUTWITTED; OR, THE TRIUMPH OF SOBRIETY. (_Fragment from a Romance founded upon evidence given before the Select Committee upon Dram-drinking._)