[Illustration: AN APPEAL CASE, HOUSE OF LORDS.] * * * * * TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING. ["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. In 1892 you may count upon me."--_Mr. KIPLING to Magazine Editor, who wished to secure him as a Contributor_.] Oh, happy man! for whom this world of ours Is but a ceaseless round of milk and honey, Who use your wondrous word-compelling powers For us in telling tales (and making money), How you must laugh to rake the dollars in, The publishers--how badly you must bleed them; Your tales _are_ good, but yet, ere you begin On more, just think of us who've got to read them. It frightens us to hear your Ninety-One Is mortgaged--for the prospect's _not_ inviting, To think of all that may and will be done, If, through the present year you ne'er cease writing! With bated breath we ask, and humble mien-- We realise how far we come behind you-- That you will leave _one_ remnant Magazine In which we may be sure we shall not find you. Then will your RUDYARD name with joy be hailed, And yours will be a never-fading glory, If, when you're asked to write a _Light that Failed_, You merely tell us, "That's another story." * * * * * AN UPPER NOTE. Sir,--I mustn't interfere with the diary of TOBY, M.P. But, as he is not reported as being in the Upper House on this particular occasion, I cannot help drawing general attention to the dispatch of business among the Lords on Thursday last. I quote from the Parliamentary Report in the _Daily Telegraph_, which informed us that "The LORD CHANCELLOR took his seat on the Woolsack at a quarter-past four o'clock." Then in came "A New Spiritual Peer." Awful! It sounds like an apparition in a blood-curdling ghost-story. Where was LIKA JOKO with his pencil? Well, "the new Spiritual Peer took his oath and his seat"--why wasn't he called upon for his toast and sentiment?--and then--what happened? Did their Lordships stay to have a friendly chat with the new-comer? No, not a bit of it; for the report says, "Their Lordships rose at twenty-five minutes to five o'clock." So that, in effect, as soon as the new boy came in, and seated himself, all the old boys went out. There's manners for you! And this in the Upper House, too!! Yours truly, THE MARQUIZ. * * * * * [Illustration: UNREGENERATE. "ONLY THINK HOW DELIGHTFUL, BOBBIE! THEY'VE DISCOVERED, IN MANUSCRIPT, AN ENTIRELY NEW WORK BY ARISTOTLE, AND THEY'RE GOING TO PUBLISH IT!" "REALLY, MAMMIE? THEN ALL I CAN SAY IS, I'M PRECIOUS GLAD I'VE LEFT SCHOOL FOR GOOD!"] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. [Illustration: The Rollit Albert that gathered Three Bills into the Statute Book.]