_Mrs. G.-G._ Then make it _now_. I'm sure I wish to be as accurate as I _can_. [Mr. G.-G. _makes the remark--but without fervour._ SCENE THE SECOND--_AT THE MONARCH-JONES'_. _Mr. M.-J._ Twenty quid would come in precious handy just now, after all I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch that prize if I can--so just you sit down, GRIZZLE, and write out what I tell you; do you hear? _Mrs. M.-J._ (_timidly_). But, MONARCH, dear, would that be quite _fair_? No, don't be angry, I didn't mean that--I'll write whatever you please! _Mr. M.-J._ You'd _better_, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw myself up another peg before I begin. (_He screws._) Now, then. (_Stands over her and dictates._) "To the polished urbanity of a perfect gentleman, he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." (Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) "Liberal, and even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every kind of excess"--(Hold on a bit, I must have another nip after that)--"every kind of excess. Our married life is one long dream of blissful contentment, in which each contends with the other in loving self-sacrifice." (Haven't you corked all that down _yet_!) "Such cares and anxieties as he has, he conceals from me with scrupulous consideration as long as possible"--(Gad, I should be a fool if I _didn't_!)--"while I am ever sure of finding in him a patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and difficulties."--(_Two_ f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you even _spell_?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that I were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate, I am indeed to be envied!'" That _ought_ to do the trick. If I don't romp in after that!--(_Observing that Mrs. M.-J.'s shoulders are convulsed._) What the dooce are you giggling at _now_? _Mrs. M.-J._ I--I wasn't giggling, MONARCH dear, only-- _Mr. M.-J._ Only _what_? _Mrs. M.-J._ Only crying! THE SEQUEL. "The Judges appointed by the spirited proprietors of _All Sorts_ to decide the 'Model Husband Contest'--which was established on lines similar to one recently inaugurated by one of our New York contemporaries--have now issued their award. Two competitors have sent in certificates which have been found equally deserving of the prize; viz., Mrs. CORNELIA GALAHAD-GREEN, Graemair Villa, Peckham, and Mrs. GRISELDA MONARCH-JONES, Aspen Lodge, Lordship Lane. The sum of Twenty Pounds will consequently be divided between these two ladies, to whom, with their respective spouses, we beg to tender our cordial felicitations."--(_Extract from Daily Paper, some six months hence._) * * * * * CRUMMLES REDIVIVUS! [Illustration]