GHOUL THEATRE.--_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon of Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!! Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence at 8. Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9.30! The Blood-Bath at 10.45! Death Dance Tableau at 11.5! Carriages at 11.10! Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still crowded with the _élite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!! * * * * * [Illustration: "LITERARY STARS."] * * * * * THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY. _January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en route_. _February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at Dover. Triumphant progress to London. _March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom of the City. _April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and unlimited hospitality. _May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations. _June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of distinguished conduct. _July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures. _August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which now begins to empty. _September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear. _October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to the papers, and sensational journalism generally. _November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges, counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please, strongly recommended row. _December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme) and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. * * * * * HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR. _Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia. _King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican. _Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home. _King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa. _President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt. _King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet. _Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends meet. _Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election. _Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule. _Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics. _Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_. _General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all. _Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.--To attend to his professional duties, and get through his official work. _And Mr. P-nch_.--To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a century.