'Mid _Boises_ and Bullyvards tho' we may roam, Be it hever so foggy, there's no place _like_ 'ome; A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport there, Wich, look where you will, isn't met with elsewhere. 'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome, Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like 'ome! A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main; Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again; The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl, Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than all. 'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome, With RAIKES[1], LOWTHER, CHAPLIN, there's no place like 'ome. "Mean to sing _that_ at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But till then, Ta--ta!!" [Footnote 1: Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUEL SMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other telegrams transmitted by the Post-office Department."] * * * * * DESDEMONA TO THE AUTHOR OF "DORIAN GRAY." (_A PROPOS OF HIS PARAGRAPHIC PREFACE._) "These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club corner. What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and foolish?" * * * * * SOMETHING IN A NAME.--A recent theatrical announcement informed us that a new comedy would be produced from the pen of a Mr. HENRY DAM. If successful, imagine the audience calling for the Author by name. If a triumph, the new dramatist will be known as "The big, big D." * * * * * BY A TIRED AND CYNICAL CRITIC OF CURRENT FICTION. A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen. A School? What's really wanted is a Prison. Life-long confinement far from pen and ink _Might_ cure the crowd of fictionists, I _think_. Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight, Go teach the Novelist how _not_ to write! * * * * * ATHLETICS.--It is said that the County Council are resolved to forbid the popular feats of raising heavy weights, upon the ground that it may lead to shoplifting. * * * * * WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.--_Lady B-ountiful_ first, at the Garrick, and _Lady B-arter_ at the Princess's. * * * * * [Illustration: OLD FRIENDS. _Big Ben_. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP! JUST LOOK AT YOU AND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE _ALWAYS_ TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF, HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE! IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FAST FRIENDS FOR FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT LEFT!" _Little Dick_ (_dreamily_). "AH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I'VE _NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK AGAIN!_"] * * * * * THE FIRST ACT--AND THE LAST. (_A DEPARTMENTAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._)