"Absurd! Not Mercury, nor Jupiter _we_ beg For a devouring despot, lank of leg, Of prying eye, and frog-transfixing beak; Though singly we seem weak, United we are strong to smite or scoff. Off, would-be tyrant, off!!!" * * * * * CHURCH AND STAGE.--Let no rabid Churchmen, of any school of thought, ever again take exception to the irreligious character of playhouse entertainments. Let them read the advertisement of the Lyceum Theatre in _The Times_ for March 13:--"During Holy Week this theatre will be closed, re-opening on Saturday, March 28, with _The Bells_, which will also be played on Easter Monday night." Could any arrangement be more thoroughly in harmony with general ecclesiastical practice? Any liturgical student knows that the bells are played once on Holy Saturday, and that they should be played on Easter Monday is a matter of course. * * * * * TRACKS FOR THE TIMES. [A Magistrate has just decided that the Police have a right to interfere with the growing practice of using the public roads of the Metropolis at night-time as running-grounds for athletes.] I come from haunts of smoke and grime, I start in some blind alley, And race each night against Old Time Enthusiastically! I dodge past frightened City gents, And sometimes send them flying, Which makes them cherish sentiments Not wholly edifying. I wind about, and in and out, Along the crowded pavement, While here and there the mockers flout My costume and behavement. I slip, I slide, I flash, I flee Amid the teeming traffic, And drivers often use to me Idioms extremely graphic. I murmur when a Lawyer's view Absurdly tries to hinder My turning public roads into A private path of cinder. Yet still to "spurt," agile, alert, Shall be my one endeavour; For Cits may stare, and Jehus swear, But I run on for ever! * * * * * [Illustration: THE BLIZZARD. MRS. SELDOM-FESTIVE "AT HOME" (AND THE BEST PLACE TOO!), MARCH 9, 1891. (_10 to 1 Nobody turns up._)] * * * * * A DIARY OF DOVER. _March, 1891_.--Fearful storm in the Channel, when the _Victoria_ is all but lost. Proposals in all the newspapers for the immediate commencement of an adequate harbour. _April, 1892_.--Hurricane in the Channel, when seventeen ships are lost, and the Club Train Boat (without passengers) is carried, high and dry, as far as Amiens, by the force of the weather. Renewed suggestions for the immediate building of an adequate harbour. _May, 1893_.--Cyclone in the Channel, in which the British Fleet disappears. The newspapers once more urge the immediate commencement of the proposed adequate harbour. _June, 1894_.--Disaster in the Channel. Every single vessel swamped, owing to the terrific weather. Again the Press invites commencement of an adequate harbour.