"Low-lying" districts are much talked about just now as breeding-grounds for the pestiferous Influenza microbe. The worst "low-lying" districts _Punch_ knows are the editorial offices of certain scurrilous journals, and the social pestilences they engender and disseminate sorely need abatement. Perhaps when they have duly fumigated the House, they will turn their attention to the Office. * * * * * [Illustration: A JUDGE OF CHARACTER. _Sympathetic Friend_ (_to Sweeper_). "WHAT'S THE USE O' ARSTIN' _'IM_, BILL? _'E_ DON'T GIVE AWAY NOTHINK LESS THAN A GOVER'MENT APPOINTMENT, _'E_ DON'T!!"] * * * * * THE BITTER CRY OF OUTCAST COMPETITION. "The breakfast at St. James's Hall, which we reported yesterday, and which was held in order to allow those who partook of it to discuss the possibility of establishing in this country a 'non-competitive system of university examination,' was, in some respects, a natural outcome of the revolt against competition which has of late years made itself felt in many different quarters."--_The Times_. I'm in a pretty pickle! The world is wondrous fickle; But lately it would stickle For Progress by Exam. And now, in Trade and Learning, Against me they seem turning, Deliberately discerning In me a noxious sham! The _Laissez-faire_ philosopher My enemies grew gross over; But now Economists toss over Their idol of old days. They swear "Free Competition" Leads to Trade inanition: That I'm a superstition, A cruel vampire craze. And now Big Wigs scholastic, To modern movements plastic, Would try reform most drastic Upon the School Exam. The ways my nerves that jar on AUBERON HERBERT's far on; E'en Dr. WARRE makes war on Dear old Competitive Cram! If pundits thus--at breakfast-- Neologise, neck-and-neck, fast, My kingdom they will wreck fast! The Army loves me not; Socialists whet their soul-edge Against me; now the College Swears that my road to knowledge Is simply--Tommy rot. Revolt? It's most revolting! _My_ road might yield some jolting, But boobies from it bolting Will probably get bogged, And, lost in some dim bye-way, Regret the well-paved highway Along which long in _my_ way Contentedly they jogged. * * * * * OUR PARTICULAR TIP FOR THE DERBY. (_FURNISHED BY THE ODD MAN OUT._)