little FIFE being added to the harmonious Royal Band, while the loyal public is mightily pleased thus to have it proved to ocular demonstration, that the subtle villain, Influenza, has been baulked in his traitorous attempt on the Royal Personage, and they sincerely hope that the insidious poisoner, being thus arrested in his course, may, with all his treacherous _bacilli_, be for ever banished this happy and generally healthy realm. * * * * * COMPETITION IN THE FUTURE. SCENE--_A Barrack-Room_. PRESENT--_President and Members of a Board of Examiners, sitting to pass Candidates for Commissions in the Line._ _President_. Now, Gentlemen, I think we are agreed that cramming is to be discouraged. We want an officer who can command a company, and not a scholar who can floor a paper for high-class honours--that is the general idea, Gentlemen, isn't it? _Chorus of Members_. Quite so. _Pres._ Exactly. Orderly, pass the word that we will see Mr. MUGGER. (_The word is passed, when enter First Candidate._) Glad to see you, Sir. Pray sit down. I think you were at school? _First Candidate_ (_nervously_). Yes, Sir, at Eton. _Pres._ Humph! (_Aside, to his Colleagues._) Rather an unpromising commencement. However, he may have devoted more of his time to cricket or football in the Playing Fields than to anything else. (_Aloud._) I hope you have not been to the University? _First Can._ (_almost moved to tears_). Alas, Gentlemen, my father _would_ send me to Christchurch, and I am sorry to say I took a Double First! _Pres._ (_courteous, but sad_). I am afraid that will do. (_Exit First Candidate, striving in vain to suppress a burst of unmanly emotion._) I am deeply grieved, Gentlemen, but I fear that we can do nothing further in this matter? _Chorus of Members_. Utterly impossible! _Pres._ Exactly. Orderly, call Mr. SHIRKWORKS. (_Second Candidate enters._) Glad to see you, Sir. Pray sit down. I think you were at school? _Second Can._ (_with confidence_). Never, Sir, and allow me to add that I can scarcely read, don't know how to spell, and have a firm impression that two and two make either three or five--I forget which. _Pres._ (_beaming_). Excellent! (_After a brief consultation with his colleagues._) Mr. SHIRKWORKS, I have much pleasure in informing you that we shall be glad to recommend you for a Commission. (_Curtain._) * * * * * [Illustration: A RARE CHANCE. _Mr. Snobbin hiring a Hack to ride down to the Derby._ _Horse-Owner_. "I'LL CHARGE YOU THIRTY BOB FOR THE DAY, GUV'NOR; OR--LOOK HERE!--GIMME TWO POUND, AND YOU MAY KEEP HIM!"] * * * * * CODLINGSBY JUNIOR; OR, A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK. _BEING FRAGMENTS OF A FORTHCOMING POLITICAL PRIZE NOVEL._