_Culch._ (_colouring_). It's not of vital importance if she did. (_Whistling._) Few-fee-fee-foo-foodle-di-fee-di-fa-foo. _Podb._ Not a bit--to her. Better step out if we mean to catch that train. (_Humming._) La-di-loodle-lumpty-leedle-um-ti-loo! [_They step out, PODBURY humming pleasantly and CULCHARD whistling viciously, without further conversation, until they arrive at Braine l'Alleud Station--and discover that they have just missed their train._ * * * * * [Illustration: THE TWO EMPERORS; OR, THE CHRISTIAN CZAR AND THE HEATHEN CHINEE.] * * * * * TWO EMPERORS; _OR, THE CHRISTIAN CZAR AND THE HEATHEN CHINEE._ [A decree issued by the Emperor of CHINA (in connection with the recent anti-foreign agitation in that country) points out that the relations between the Chinese and the foreign missionaries have been those of peace and goodwill, and that the Christians are protected by treaty and by Imperial edicts, and commands the Governors and Lieutenant-Governors to protect the Christians and put down the leaders in the riots.] Many writers remark,-- And their language is plain, That for cruelty dark, And for jealousy vain, The Heathen Chinee is _peculiar_,-- In future perhaps they'll refrain. AH-SIN has his faults, Which one cannot deny; And some recent assaults On the mis-sion-a-ry, Have been worthy of--say Christian Russia, When dealing with small Hebrew fry. But the EMPEROR seems stirred Persecution to bar, Which it might be inferred That I mean the White CZAR; But I don't. On the Muscovite CÆSAR Such charity clearly would jar. _He's_ always the same, And he'll not stay _his_ hand; The poor Jews are fair game In a great "Christian" Land; But the Lord of the Pencil Vermilion Rebukes _his_ fanatical band. A Heathen--of course!-- (Whilst the CZAR is a Saint) But a sign of remorse At the Christian's complaint May be seen in the edict he's issued, Which might make a great Autocrat faint. A Christian, 'tis true, To a Heathen Chinee Is as bad as a Jew Must undoubtedly be To an orthodox Christian of Russdom, Too "pious" for mere Char-i-tee. So one Emperor stones His poor Israelites, Whilst the other one owns Even Christians have "rights," And, although they're (of course) "foreign devils," Their peace with good-will he requites. Which is why, I maintain (And my language is free) That the CZAR, though he's vain Of his Or-tho-dox-y, Might learn from his Emperor cousin, Though he's only a Heathen Chinee! * * * * *