I tap you early, tap you late, In vain! We get--whatever _you_ may state-- Much rain. The Woodpecker of which fools sing Ne'er tapped Half so persistently. Since Spring I've rapped Your fair false dial day by day, And yet The end--whatever you may say Is wet! 'Twas wet in June, and in July Wet too; In August it is wetter. Why, Trust _you_? Barometer, you false old chap, You bore! I'm no Woodpecker, and I'll tap No more! * * * * * "NOTHING IN THE PAPERS!" _OR, VOLUNTARY CONTRIBUTIONS UN-GRATEFULLY RECEIVED._ SCENE--_A Railway Compartment. BROWN and SMITH _looking up from their Daily Papers._ _Brown_. Now that Parliament stands prorogued, I suppose there is nothing to read? _Smith_. Nothing. Except this article upon Australia. Tells one all about Capital and Labour in _that_ part of the world. Most interesting. Wonder how they found room for it! Have you seen it? _Brown_. Well, no. Fact is I have been reading about Argentina. Very exhaustive article this, and on a matter of serious moment. I hold some shares as a trustee. Seems that they will all come right in the end. Would you like to see it? _Smith_. When I have time to read it. But, to tell the truth, it takes me a good hour to get through the City Intelligence. And the racing, too, that always interests me; but I don't think it is so exciting as the Stock Exchange. _Brown_. No more do I. By the way, is there anything good in the correspondence line in your paper? _Smith_. The usual sensational recess subjects. Some of the letters are too good for the general public; they must have been written in the office. _Brown_. I daresay. And perhaps these sketches of places away from Town are also written in London? _Smith_. Not a bit of it! I happen to know that the papers spend thousands and thousands upon obtaining information in every quarter of the globe. Bogus articles are things of the past. _Brown_. Only fancy! And all this expense for nothing in the recess! When no one reads the papers! _Smith_. Yes, and when there's nothing in them! [_They resume perusal of their papers until interrupted by a tunnel. Curtain._ * * * * * THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION. [Illustration] Oh, Sir, I read the papers every day, To amuse myself and pass the time away; But they've got so hard to follow that they simply beat me hollow With the learning and the culture they display; And they wouldn't be so hard if those good people down at Cardiff Would but be a shade more careful what they say.