* * * * * _Cly._ The coals I bought as Wallsend are not so. _Ag._ Thus groundless hopes vanish--like coals in smoke. _Cly._ You speak in words Mysterious, lacking sense. _Ag._ The sense is patent to the reasoning mind. _Cly._ And yet I paid for them upon the nail. _Ag._ What matter, if the price was far too low? _Cly._ Then call you eighteen shillings low for coal? _Ag._ Yes, for "Prime Wallsend"--what could you expect? _Cly._ Listen! In passing 'long the public way I saw a notice telling of these coals. It called them "ever-burning": said no skill Could put them out when once they were alight, Because they were "the best the world produced." I purchased some. Ai! ai! They turned out slates. My household maidens by Prometheus swear _They_ never saw such stuff for lighting fires. What of it is not slag, that part is slate, And slated should they be that sold it me. Moreover, when with anger I remarked To those who bore the sacks upon their backs, Within our cellars to deposit them, That they had better bear their loads away Seeing I ordered coals, not lumps of slate, They answered that, if they refused to burn, They might be useful for a Rockery! So now _they_ have the shillings, _I_ the coals. _Ag._ And having them, we have no household fires. _Cly._ What then to do? _You_ sit with idle hands. _Ag._ I cannot turn to Wallsend bits of slag. _Cly._ But you can seek the Archon, and denounce The man whose cunning robs our hearth of flame. _Ag._ (_going out_). In what you say not nothing I perceive. Women, in hunting cheapness, capture costs. CHORUS. STROPHE. The puny race of men Soars, in imagination, to the skies; While tackling Science and Theosophy Their hands the coal-scoop grasp! CHORUS. ANTISTROPHE. From high Olympus Zeus Smiles at the perjuries of coal-heavers. Not always is the cheapest article The one that turns out best. * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. "WELL, GOOD-BYE, MISS SMITH. TELL THE OTHERS I WAS VERY SORRY NOT TO FIND ANYONE AT HOME--A--A--A--EXCEPT YOU--A!"] * * * * * A BOARD-SCHOOL CHRISTMAS. (_AN ANTICIPATION OF THE NOT VERY DISTANT FUTURE._) [Illustration]