_Pub._ (_calmly_). No. Won't do a bit--at least, not in its present form. You see, you introduce a Pirate Chief, named Captain WILDFIRE, who lives at Singapore, and who murders the mate, the steward, five seamen, and all the Passengers of the _Jolly Seamew_, the vessel that he commands, and appropriates five million dollars belonging to his employers, the vessel's owners. _Lit. Asp._ Quite so. I thought those incidents would be rather exciting. They're so new. Do you object to the murders, or what? _Pub._ Oh, dear no! But now this name, Captain WILDFIRE. (_Suspiciously._) Are you sure there is nobody whose name is at all like it, and who also resides at Singapore? _Lit. Asp._ I took the name quite by chance. I've never been near Singapore in my life. _Pub._ (_relieved_). Glad to hear it. One has to be so careful nowadays. Here's an Army List--let us see if anybody called WILDFIRE figures in it. Ha! What's this! "Major WILDMAN, 217th Hussars." (_Gazes at Lit. Aspirant sternly._) Is your Captain WILDFIRE intended as a caricature of Major WILDMAN, Sir, or is it not? _Lit. Asp._ (_astonished_). Why, of course not! I never heard of the man. _Pub._ Very likely not. _We_ should hear of him precious soon if we published your novel as it stands. _Lit. Asp._ But what reason is there to suppose this Major WILDMAN has ever been to Singapore? And how can a captain of a merchantship like the _Jolly Seamew_ be confused with a Major in the Army who has never commanded a vessel in his life? _Pub._ (_doggedly_). All very well; but the name must come out. Then I don't like this description of the Ninth Goblin at all. Where is it? Oh, here! (_Reads._) "Even the cerements of the tomb enveloping the form of the Ninth Goblin could not hide--nay, seemed rather to bring prominently forward--the malignant expression of the one-eyed face, with its crop of red whiskers, beetle brows, and low receding forehead." _Lit. Asp._ What's wrong with _that_? _Pub._ Wrong! Everything's wrong! There are lots of people about with red whiskers and low receding foreheads, and they'll all bring actions of libel. _Lit. Asp._ But _my_ Goblin has only one eye. _Pub._ Well, so may they. They're equal to taking one eye out and putting it back when the trial's over, if they thought it'd help them to get money out of _us_. There may be a fellow called Mr. GOBLIN somewhere, too. Oh, no; it won't do at all. All the chapters with the Ninth Goblin in must come out. _Lit. Asp._ (_aghast_). But that would spoil the book--it would mean leaving out half of it. _Pub._ Yes, it would reduce the bulk, no doubt. In any case we could not produce it in a three-volume form. But we are bringing out a series of cheap fictions, and we might include yours. _Lit. Asp._ (_making the best of things_). Well, _some_ good books have appeared in a shilling form. _Pub._ Yes. But it's not a shilling form we should propose. The fact is, that there is a great run on Penny Novelettes just now, and--