QUEER QUERIES.--A FIRST READING.--Would some person kindly inform me of a good Recitation for a Smoking Concert? I have been asked to recite "something telling" after the annual banquet of a Club of local Licensed Victuallers. I am thinking of the First Book of _Paradise Lost_. Or would parts of _The Excursion_ be more likely to create a _furore_? I have never recited in public before, and feel rather doubtful of my ability to "hold" the Victuallers.--WILLING TO OBLIGE. * * * * * [Illustration: GENTLE SATIRE. "I SAY, BILL, LOOK 'ERE! 'ERE'S A OLD COVE OUT RECORD-BREAKING!"] * * * * * "THE DILEMMA." (_An old Irish Story newly applied._) ["On which horn of the dilemma will the Gladstonians elect to stand?"--_Mr. Chamberlain, in his controversy with Sir W. Harcourt on the place of Home Rule in the Gladstonian programme._] _Faithful Unionist Sentry, loquitur_:-- Faith! yes, a dilemma, no doubt, is _the_ thing To stagger Big Bounce, in a fashion Socratic. I fancy I know now to plant a sharp sting, The success of my bayonet-play is emphatic. Remember a picture I once chanced to see, A Pompeian sentinel posed at a portal, And "faithful to death" though fire threatened. That's Me! As my country's defender, my fame is immortal. Yes, the Sentinel's _rôle_ suits my style passing well; The enemy won't find me napping or nodding. But what I _most_ like as I do sentry spell, Is the fine opportunity offered for--prodding! I watch like a lynx, as a sentry should do, With an eye like a hawk, and a smile sweet as syrup; But when there's a chance for 'a thrust--whirraroo! My bayonet-point is agog for a stir up! JOE, the Sentry, you know, like _Joe Bagstock_, is sly, Ay, "devilish sly,"--if I may speak profanely. That swashbuckler H-RC-RT now, swaggering there--why, The big burly Bobadil's acting insanely. I _do_ like to draw him. These ramparts are mine, But because we're old comrades he cheeks me. "Woa, EMMA!" As cads used to shout. I extremely incline To tickle him up with--a two-horned Dilemma! "Well, WILLIAM, what cheer?" He is struggling out there With a--Snark; 'tis a Boojum which shortly may vanish. Like _Frankenstein's_, his is a Monster, I fear, He would--did he dare--be delighted to banish. That big "Home-Rule" Bogey, my Bobadil, seems A "handful" with which you are destined to struggle, Which darkens your days as it haunts all your dreams; Which you cannot get rid of by force or by juggle.