["No one drinks alcoholic liquor (unless it be beer) to quench thirst."--JAMES PAYN.] In Cellar deep I sit and steep My soul in GRANVILLE'S logic. Companions mine, sound ale, good wine-- _That_ foils Teetotal dodge--hic! With solemn pate our sages prate, The Pump-slaves neatly pinking. He's proved an ass, whose days _don't_ pass In drinking, drinking, drinking! In water pure there's danger sure, All fizzle-pop's deceiving; And ginger-beer must make you queer (If GRANVILLE you're believing). Safe, on the whole, is Alcohol; It saves man's strength from sinking. I injure none, and have good f--fun. Whilst drinking, drinking, drinking! Hic! Hic! Hooray!! New reasons gay For drink from doctors borrow! The last (_not_ first) is simple thirst, Thatsh true--to LAWSON'S sorrow! Good Templarsh fain would "physic PAYN," And GRANVILLE squelch like winking; But all the same, true Wisdom's--hic--game Is drinking, drinking, drinking! [_Left playing it._ * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S NAVAL NOVEL. [_Mr. Punch_ has observed with much gratification the success of various _brochures_ professing to give, under the disguise of retrospect, a prophetic but accurate account of the naval battle of the immediate future. _Mr. Punch_ has read them carefully over and over again. For some time he has been living, so to speak, in the midst of magnificent iron-clad fleets. In vain have torpedoes been launched on their occasionally death-dealing mission against him, in vain have immense shells exploded in his immediate neighbourhood. Nothing, not even the ramming of one whole squadron by another, has succeeded in daunting him. He has remained immovable in the midst of an appalling explosion which reduced a ship's company to a heap of toe-nails. And now, his mind fired by the crash of conflict and the intoxication of almost universal slaughter, he proposes to show the world how a naval novel that means to be accurate as well as vivid, to be bought by the public in thousands as well as to teach useful lessons to politicians and sailors, ought really to be written. _Mr. Punch_ may as well state that he has _not_ submitted this story to any naval experts. His facts speak for themselves, and require no merely professional approval to enhance their value.] WHO'D BE A SAILOR? (_A Story of Blood and Battle._) CHAPTER I. [Illustration: The Explosion.]