_Son_. But I have had some difficulty in scraping up enough to pay you. _Father_. Surely, eighteen shillings a-week is a reasonable sum for an apartment, however small, in Mayfair? _Son_. I do not deny it; still it seems hard that I should be mulcted to that extent some fifty times a-year. _Father_. I cannot see the hardship, _nor_ the money! _Son_. If you really want it, it is here. [_Produces a pocket-book, from which he takes sufficient change to satisfy the claim._ _Father_ (_pocketing coin_). Thank you; and now we may say, adieu! _Son_. But how about dinner--am I not to dine with you? _Father_. Dine with me! What an idea! Why should you? _Son_. Because I am your Son. _Father_. You mean someone infinitely more important--my Lodger. _Son_. And you absolutely refuse me food? _Father_. Not I, my boy; not I! It is the law! If I was to give you what you ask, you and I would be had up for bribery. _Son_. Then you prefer patriotism to paternal affection? _Father_. Well, to be candid with you, I do! It is distinctly cheaper! * * * * * MUSCOVITE VERSION OF A MUSIC-HALL CHORUS. HIRSCH! HIRSCH! HIRSCH! Here comes the Bogie Man! He wants to help the Hebrews; he'll catch them if he can. HIRSCH! HIRSCH! HIRSCH! He's hit upon a plan, And all the persecutors cry, "Here comes the Bogie Man!" * * * * * LINES ON A PHOTOGRAPH. DOWNEY has photographed "the FIFES" at home. Aha! Domestic music! FIFE and "drum "! * * * * * [Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR. A LITTLE HOLIDAY IN WALES.] * * * * * OUR REAL DESIDERATUM. (_BY A "WELL-INFORMED" FOOL._) Ah! I was fogged by the Materialistic, By HUXLEY and by ZOLA, KOCH and MOORE; And now there comes a Maëlstrom of the Mystic, To whirl me further yet from sense's shore. Microbes were much too much for me, bacilli Bewildered me, and phagocytes did daze, But now the author 'cute of "Piccadilly," HARRIS the Prophet, the BLAVATSKY craze, Thibet, Theosophy, and Bounding Brothers-- No, Mystic Ones--Mahatmas I _should_ say, But really they seem so much like the others In slippery agility!--day by day Mystify me yet more. Those germs were bad enough, But what are they compared with Astral Bodies? Of Useless Knowledge I have almost had enough, I really envy uninquiring noddies, I would not be a Chela if I could. I have a horror of the Esoterical. BESANT and OLCOTT _may_ be wise and good, They seem to me pursuing the chimerical. Maddened by mysteries of "Precipitation," The Occult Dream and the Bacillus-Dance; We need Societies for the propagation Of Useful--_Ignorance_! * * * * * DWARFS IN AND ABOUT LONDON.