Landlords _may_ be looting, Tenants _may_ be shooting; Where's the fun In _that_? Let's run Off to Golf at Tooting! So M.P.'s are "scooting," On-the-gay-galoot-ing; Cut the House (It shows their _nous_) For the Links at Tooting! There is joy in shooting, Wine-ing or cherooting, Dinners, Moors, Weeds--_all_ are bores, Compared with Golf at Tooting! * * * * * [Illustration: CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS. _Tommy._ "I HAD _SUCH_ A BAD DREAM LAST NIGHT, GRANDPAPA!" _The Admiral._ "TELL IT ME, TOMMY." _Tommy._ "OH NO! IT WOULD ONLY FRIGHTEN YOU AS IT FRIGHTENED ME!"] * * * * * "BEYOND THE DREAMS OF AVARICE." ["FIFTY POUNDS Reward will be gratefully paid to any Lady or Gentleman who will ASSIST in RECOVERING a valuable HEIRLOOM.... Anyone with wealthy or influential friends can at once secure above reward. Address, &c."] [Illustration] I am an impecunious young man, and, the other day, on seeing this Advertisement in the _Times_, I was seized with a wild desire to "at once secure above reward." Said I to myself, "I have 'wealthy and influential friends.' There is my cousin's uncle, who has, I believe, thirty thousand a-year, though I never saw any part of it, or of him, for the matter of that; and there is my own aunt by marriage, whose second husband is a K.C.B., but I forget his name, and do not know where he lives." So I sat and thought about it for a time with my eyes shut, and then I started. The train was so full, that I imagined it must be market-day in some neighbouring town, but the station was so much fuller, that I could hardly get out of the train. At last, edgeways, I reached a pale and melancholy ticket-collector, and asked him where I should find the address mentioned. He turned a pitying eye upon me, and, pointing to the crowd that filled the station, said, wearily, "They're all a-goin' there. I know, cos they've all arst me. You'd better foller 'em." This statement filled me with desperation; I fought and struggled through the vast crowd of persons "with wealthy and influential friends" until I reached the open street. By that time I was exhausted, and, finding that the street was even fuller than the station had been, I gave up the attempt. I saw that the reserve of gold at the Bank of England would not have sufficed to pay each applicant the promised £50. In any case I felt sure that by that time the whole of the money in the town must have been used up. So, without hat or umbrella, and with my coat as much divided up the back as up the front, I returned--to consciousness, and went on reading the newspaper. * * * * * "THE FORESTERS."