[Illustration: "'SAFETY MATCHES' FOR LIFE.--The following notice has been issued by the Salvation Army: 'Safety matches are now made by the Social Wing without sulphur or phosphorus, which will flame without striking. What do we mean? Just this. That if you are unmarried, and do not know where to chose a partner, you can communicate with Colonel BARKER, Matrimonial Bureau, 101, Queen Victoria Street, E.C., and he will most probably supply you with just what you want--somebody loveable and good.'"] * * * * * VERY ORCHID! ["The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that the life of a Peer is not a happy one."--_Mr. Chamberlain, before the Jewellers' and Silversmiths' Association at Birmingham_.] The Orchid is a thoughtful plant--it loves the lordly hot-house, And naturally reprobates poor gilliflowers as "pot-house;" 'Tis rich, exotic, somewhat miscellaneously florid; The rough herbaceous annuals it vulgar deems, and horrid. With all that's forced and precious it should fraternise in reason, With luscious fruits and rarest roots, and produce out of season; It may perhaps at primroses a condescending hand point; It might be friends with stocks--but from a pure commercial standpoint. And yet--it is a thoughtful plant--though such a growth fastidious, The proud but simple strawberry still seems to it invidious; Those ducal leaves that shine and twine around the nation's garden, It fancies more delectable than all the blooms of Hawarden. This orchid's bosom bleeds to feel that, while he flaunts in colour, The chaplet of the strawberry should duller pine and duller, That obsoleteness, though delayed, should still be on the _tapis_, That, pending its extinction, its existence isn't happy. O courtly leaves of strawberries, old England's grace and glory, Emblazoned o'er the castle-keeps that moulder nigh and hoary, What comfort for your drooping days, what balm in dire dejection, That yonder orchid spruce extends his shelter and protection. But, garland sere of Vere de Vere, wan ornaments of Fable, The orchid is a thoughtful plant, and likes a gorgeous table; And, should from out your coronals one berry bright be shining, His patronage may snap it up--to save it from declining! * * * * * NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, April 2, 1892, by Various