_Third Voice_ (_coming from somewhere_). Mind and bring a gun with you, and--. _Second Voice_. No. We are two four eight nought six seven. Good morning! _First Voice_. Have you finished? _Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). I have not begun! You have put me on the wrong number! _First Voice_ (_calmly_). What number do you want? _Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). One four two nought eight six. _First Voice_. Two four two nought eight six? _Imp. Sub._ (_with suppressed rage_). No, _one_ four two nought eight six. _First Voice_. Very well. One four two nought eight six. _Imp. Sub._ Yes, and don't make a mistake. [_Long pause, during which he asks_, "_Are you there?_" _at intervals._ _Fourth Voice_. What is it? _Imp. Sub._ Are you Arctic Wine Company? _Fourth Voice_. Yes, all right! What is it? _Imp. Sub._ (_joyfully_). Have you sent a case of champagne to BUMBLETON? _Fourth Voice_. What? I can't hear you. _First Voice_. (_interposing_). Have you finished? _Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking. Have you sent a case of champagne to BUMBLETON? _Fourth Voice_. We can't hear you. Send a messenger. _First Voice_. Have you finished? _Imp. Sub._ (_shouting_). Yes! (_Is cut off._) Shorter to have done so at once! [_Uses intemperate language, and hurries off to get a Messenger. Curtain._ * * * * * THE CHURLISH CABMAN. AIR--"_BALLYHOOLEY_." [Illustration] The Cabman's thrifty fares, Who would seek suburban airs, Desire, of course, a more extended "radius;" But, Cabby, it is clear, Thinks quite otherwise. I fear The controversy's growing rather "taydious." Whether by night or day, A fair fare the fare should pay, And Cabby should not overcharge unduly; But _this_ is what riles _me_, When churl Cabby _will_ not see A would-be fare, but just ignores him coolly. _Chorus_. "_Hi! hi! Cab! Hi_!" Oh, no! On the sullen brute will go; When he _wants_ a fare, he's clamorous and unruly; But if he wants a _drink_, With a sneer or with a wink, He'll rumble on and just ignore you coolly. * * * * * [Illustration: DESTROYING THE MONEY-LENDER'S WEB; OR, THE THIRTEENTH LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES.] * * * * * [Illustration: RATHER SMART ALL ROUND. _Lady Di._ (_who has been trying a Horse with a view to purchase_). "AND DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT HE'S QUITE UP TO MY WEIGHT, MR. SPAVIN?" _Spavin._ "LOR! MY LADY, HE'D CARRY TWO OF YOU!" _Lady Di._ "WHAT? DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT I'M ONLY HALF A HORSEWOMAN?" _Spavin._ "BY NO MEANS, MY LADY. BUT ANOTHER LIKE YOUR LADYSHIP WOULD LOOK SO WELL ON THE OTHER SIDE!"] * * * * * HOW TO REPORT THE PRACTICE OF THE CREWS. (_NEWEST STYLE._)