Oh, I am a Pariah, I am unfit to live! In a savage country, to which my thoughts often wander, I would stumble over every taboo, and soon find myself in the oven. As it is, I stumble over everything, stools and lady's trains, and upset porcelain, and break all the odds and ends with which I fidget, and spill the salt, and then pour claret over it, and call on the right people at the wrong houses, and put letters in the wrong envelopes: one of the most terrible blunders of the Social Duffer. Naturally, in place of improving, MACDUFFER gets worse and worse: every failure which he discovers makes him more nervous: besides he knows that, of all his errors, he only finds out a small per-centage. Where can he take refuge? If _Robinson Crusoe_ had been a social Duffer, he and _Friday_ would not have been on speaking terms in a week. People think the poor Duffer malignant, boorish, haughty, unkind; he is only a Duffer, an irreclaimable, sad, pitiful creature, quite beyond the reach of philanthropy. On my grave write, not MISERRIMUS (though that would be true enough), but FUTILISSIMUS. * * * * * [Illustration: OUR SPECIAL ARTIST ON TOUR. _Effect of Sketching in the Train_. (_The Ladies were drawn at the Stations._)] * * * * * A GLADSTONIAN MENU. The following _menu_ of a banquet, said to have been given at Biarritz not long ago, has been forwarded to us:-- POTAGES. Faux Col. Marée Coulante. Bonne Femme. POISSONS. Harpe Irlandaise, Sauce Verte. Anguilles Glissantes. ENTRÉES. Petits Cultivateurs en Caisses. Tête de Joseph frite, Sauce Jessé. Conservateurs Foudroyés en brochette. RÔTS. Vieille Main Parlementaire à la Renard. Parti de Parnell à la Conscience Nonconformiste. LÉGUMES. Discours en Branches. Pommes Maître du Ministère. Choux d'Homère. ENTREMETS. Sucrerie d'Office. Conseils de Paroisse à la Cirque d'Été. Mots de Labouchère. DESSERT. Plans Varies. Elections Assorties. The waiting was done by Candidates, and during the evening the band played a selection, containing such well-known pieces as "_Souvenir de Mitchelstown_," the opening chorus of "_Mosé in Egitto_," "_Où sont nos Ducs_," "_Partant pour le Sud_," and "_Irland, Irland über alles_." * * * * * MR. BAYLY'S COAST-SPECTRE.